Sacrifice
by Dissertation Procrastinator
Summary: A multi-chapter fic in which Grissom et al. are trying to solve a heinous crime. Before Sara and Grissom got together (on the show), and will eventually lead to GSR. Not sure exactly when it takes place... (Updates will be about every 2 weeks). Inspired by Sacrifice by Finger Eleven.
1. Prologue –Knocking on Heavens Door

**Prologue –Knocking on Heavens Door**

The marble under Gil Grissom's back was cold, hard, and unforgiving. He was not sure if the pain in his back was from the marble or the hole in his body. Blood is important, he thought, better move a hand to try to keep it in. Of course his brain decided it needed a vacation and refused to send the signal down his spine to his hands, so that they could move to cover the holes and keep the important stuff inside.

At least his brain was functioning enough to think and feel the pain. Maybe shock would take over and the pain would fade, that would be nice. Well not nice because it probably meant he would be dead soon after, but nice because the damn pain would be gone.

Is this what it felt like? It being the end. This is the end beautiful friend, this is the end my only friend, the end of our elaborate plans, the end. Of everything that stands, the end. No safety or surprise the end. I'll never look into you eyes again. The doors, really? That is what he brain decided to do right now. Maybe he needs to revise his original idea of his brain functioning properly to think because it seemed to be malfunctioning with random bits.

Something warm was pooling under him. The smoke was clearing, maybe that meant help was on the way. Help would be nice because his brain still refused to be of much use, which was odd. His brain always seemed to work before, some might say too much. Normally he could not turn of the analytical side, but now it seemed to be on a vacation.

For some reason he always expected this to be different. What he expected, not this, not this violent death that left him alone as he faded out of the world. On the positive, he would finally get an answer to the ultimate questions, 42, no that was not the answer. What was the question, is there a heaven or is death simply like flipping a switch?

Isn't his life supposed to be flashing before his eyes? Or at the very least a light calling to him, maybe a long dead love one watching over him? Instead it was pain, cold, and a brain that seemed to run the show completely with bouts of randomness thrown into the mix.

Shit that hurt. That really hurt. Did his hands finally move? Nope, they were still at his side. What idiot was pushing on his stomach. Brass, what the hell was Brass doing. Seems his brain and hands decided to cooperate, he tried to push Brass away from him because Brass pushing down on the bullet wound was the source of pain.

"Grissom, it's ok the medics are right outside. As soon as SWAT clears the building they can come in and help you. Stay with me buddy." Brass said feeling Grissom push against his arm, Brass had interpreted it as Grissom trying to grasp something, instead of Grissom trying to push him away because the pain he caused applying pressure to the bullet wound on Grissom's abdomen.

Brass was talking to him, but his brain was already engaged. Season's don't fear the reaper, nor do the wind sun or rain. Come on baby don't fear the reaper. Baby take my hand, don't fear the reaper… Blue Oyster Cult now, why it choose the Blue Oyster Cult now, that song, was ironic? Was it ironic? Or some other word, ironic couldn't possibly be the correct word. He felt a shiver run through him, or at least he thought it was a shiver running through him. Tired, yes he was tired, he should close his eyes for a second and rest.

"Grissom buddy you got to keep your eyes open for me." Brass said pushing down harder on the wound, he could feel the blood leaking through his fingers. His friends blood, he had to keep him alive. It worried Brass that Grissom was not responding to him. He seemed to be away, awake, but not aware of his surroundings.

Grissom grunted in pain when Brass pushed down harder. Finally he spoke to Brass, "Stop."

"I can't Grissom. I need to apply pressure." Brass said looking around, where were the paramedics? Grissom needed to get out of here now.

"Is.." Each words was difficult to say, his throat was dry, he felt his brain trying to move onto a different subject, maybe sleep, it just did not want to work, "Woman ok?"

"Yes." Brass answered, technically a lie because he had no idea what woman Grissom spoke of, but now as not the time to ask.

"Sara."

"What about her Gris?" Brass asked shifting on his knees, they were starting to ache from the cold floor.

Just before Grissom lost consciousness he had one last random thought what turned out to be possibly the best version of the song ever to be dreamt of it was as if Bob Dylan, Bob Marley, and Eric Clapton teamed up to play the song together.

**Ma take this badge off of me**

**I can't use it anymore**

**It's getting dark, too dark to see**

**Feel like I'm knocking on heavens door**


	2. Chapter 1: Unforgiven

**A/N: Hello All! Thanks for reading and leaving reviews/following ect. Always appreciated. Nice to know people are reading it (whether you hate it or not). Like I said in the description updates will come every couple of weeks. I am in full dissertation mode finally, teaching two statistics courses (weird being a graduate student teaching other graduate students), prepping a course on violence for the fall semester, and my fields job market is in full swing!**

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**Chapter 1: The Unforgiven **

_Some time before the prologue _

The scene was one that would haunt everyone. Those with loved ones would go home after work and hug their loved ones and linger a few minutes longer than usual when checking on their children. All would likely dream of the scene or at least think of it while they tried to sleep. For a few sleep would not come because all I would do is think about the horrible violence perpetrated upon the innocent victims. If it were not for the little girl and young man, it would have just been another scene, more people who meant an unfortunate end. The family was executed, but not before they were tortured. The mother, teenage male, and little girl all appeared to have signs of sexual assault, at least from what could be observed of the burnt corpses.

Sara shook the sad thoughts from her head, she was here to collect evidence. She had to emotionally detach from the situation or else she could miss something important. Standing up, she made eye contact with Grissom, and she once again wondered how he stayed so detach from scenes like these. He looked almost bored, definitely not affected by the horrors before them. He was Gruesome Grissom, the ice man, emotionless, whatever it was how was this possible. Was he that detached from life? Yes. She knew the answer to that question. After hearing his confession of caring for her, but refusing to take the risk. He was completely detached, stunted, and she knew the best she could do was to stay away from him.

"Everything ok?" Grissom asked bagging some evidence having noticed Sara was staring at him now.

"Yes." Sara responded.

Grissom studied Sara for a few more seconds, worried that this case may be too much for her. Maybe he should have assigned someone else, but he wanted her here. He wanted her near, just not too near. She reminded him that good things could happen in life, not to him, but they could happen to others. He was a man devoted to his trade, and no one nor anything could get in the way of him and his work. Passion was a limited resource, and his work took up all his passion. Of course, he knew he was wrong in his thinking, but we all tell ourselves lies to get through the long dark days.

The two CSI's continued to collect evidence around the bodies. It took them endless hours to finally clear the scene enough to allow for the removal of the bodies.

"Looks like we are in for a double." Sara said watching David moving the little girl out of the room.

"Probably" Grissom replied sounding exhausted already.

"You ok?" Sara asked noting the exhaustion in his face, and hoped maybe it was some sort of feeling. Maybe he could feel things, like normal humans. She hoped, it gave her hope that maybe one day he would decide she was worth the risk. Not that these were her thoughts right now, at least not her conscious thoughts. The scene before her took most of her conscious thoughts.

"Yes." Grissom responded his had reaching up to pinch the bridge of his nose. It was an unconscious gesture he often did when a migraine threatened to appear. Luckily Sara did not know the tale tell sign and Catherine was nowhere around to call him on it. He felt the pressure building in his frontal lobe. The warning sign that a migraine was building, there were also the halo's appearing around objects. Sara was literally glowing with a halo around her, and he knew this was a sign of one of his migraines coming on. Not just any migraine, the halos meant it was likely going to be a debilitating migraine. In a few hours the pain would become almost unbearable. Of course, his medicine was at home, and he had to clear the scene before he could even think about going home to his cool dark townhouse.

"What do you think they used to burn the bodies?" Grissom asked already having formed the answer, but interested in Sara's opinion. Mostly he said it so she would stop looking at him, it made him uncomfortable. It was as if she was studying him, looking for something, and the look of disappointment she tried to hide told him she did not find what she wanted.

"You said they? You think there was more than one perpetrator?" Sara asked ignoring Grissom's question.

"Yes. Dealing with four people, even two children, is too much for one person. Especially, trying to move them from wherever they picked them up at. Plus there are multiple sets of boot prints from what I can tell." Grissom pointed towards the older males body where he had scene boot prints in the blood of the older male.

"The perpetrator could have picked them up one at a time, and the boot prints may be the same. They are not overly different looking." Sara said playing devils advocate because she was pretty sure Grissom was correct, but he would have done the same to her.

"Possible, but Brass already checked and there were no missing persons called in. With a little girl being gone or even the teenage son, someone would have been looking for them. And the treads appear to be different enough to conclude multiple boot prints. The sizes are about the same though."

"Not if the girl was picked up last with the mom."

"Possible." Grissom said, "But even once they got the family here, they still had to control them. Only one chair, and the husband is tied down to that chair. It's possible they handcuffed them to the something in here, but even than the torture would have any parent trying to rip their own arms off to save their child. Someone would have had to stop the father and mother."

Sara agreed. "The burns, blow torch?" Sara finally added shivering at the thought. The arms and torso had severe burns on all four of the bodies. The mother, girl, and son were completely naked, while the father still had his pants on.

"I agree given the level of burn. Dr Robbins can confirm." Grissom said closing his eyes as the pain started to ratchet up another notch. He just needed to make it through processing this scene and logging the evidence in back at the lab. He could rest for a bit in his office, in the cool dark, until he had to go to the autopsies.

Brass walked into the room frowning at the scene, he hated cases like this. "Please tell me you have something that will lead us directly to whoever did this to them?"

"Not yet." Grissom said.

"Please find something. The Sheriff is already sniffing around, the vultures are already outside with their cameras. Running theory they have is some serial killer who targets middle class families."

Grissom shook his head, "Unlikely."

"Why is that?" Sara asked wondering how Grissom already knew. He always said to follow the evidence, but there was no evidence to negate the reporters theories.

"I think this was a professional job." Grissom said, "They wanted something from the Mr. Howard (the husband), and he refused to tell them. So they tortured the little girl, the boy, and than Mrs Howard. Based on the body temperatures that is the order the died in. Than they tortured Mr. Howard."

"Jesus." Brass said, not because he was surprised by Grissom's assessment, just at the idea that anyone could not talk after having seen the barbaric acts of torture used against their children and wife. He would have told whoever whatever they wanted to know the moment they showed up with his family, and if he didn't have the answer he would have made it up.

"The rest of the team is due in a bit. There was another bank robbery across town that had a couple of casualties." Grissom said, "As soon as they are done processing the scene they are coming here to help."

"Good." Brass said, "The Sheriff is going to want all hands on deck to get this solved as soon as possible."

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The team worked through the night and most of the next day processing the scene and the Howard's home. It was noon when the bodies were finally moved from the scene, and all of the evidence had been collected.

Grissom was worse for ware, the nausea had set in and the pain in his frontal lobe was increasing with each passing hour. As he walked out of the cool damp building the pain almost took his breath away, the sun blinding him as it was at its brightest of the day. Of course his sunglasses were in the SUV because when he entered the scene the night before he had not seen a need for them.

Having come to the scene with Grissom and being one of the last CSI on the scene with Grissom Sara would have to ride with him back to the lab to log the evidence.

"Do you mind if I drive?" Sara asked noticing the weariness in Grissom's movements. She knew something was wrong with the supervisor, he was in pain or exhausted, his face did not give him away. What gave him away were the little tics, the pinching the bridge of his nose, the way he moved a bit slower than usual. To anyone on the street he would look like someone who just finished a long shift, to Sara, who had studied his every movement during her time in Vegas, she knew it mean something was wrong. Exhaustion was likely, this was his second double of the week. In the past four days the man had spent more time on scene or in the lab than he did at home. Sara knew because she had been by his side for most of the past 96 hours. At most she had spent 8 of those hours at home, and they were not 8 hours in a row more like an hour to change clothes, another 3 hours to sleep in between doubles.

"Yes I do mind if you drive." Grissom snapped from the pain. He did not like letting someone else drive it was a control thing. Plus if he did not engage his mind he was afraid the pain would eat him alive sitting in the car.

"Okay." Sara said noting the anger in his voice. If he crashed and killed them she was going to be even more pissed at him.

They drove back to the lab in silence, Sara occasional snuck a glance over at Grissom and could see that he was just exhausted. It was not like the bug man actually felt anything for anyone other than his bugs.

Back at the lab Grissom and Sara continued to work as they logged the evidenced and got it to the correct people for further inspection. Greg's music could be heard, as per usual, and Grissom really wanted to go over and smash the radio the music was not something he preferred to listen to, and the guitar made his head ache.

**What I felt, what I've known  
****Never shined through in what I've shown  
****Never be, never see,  
****Won' see what might have been  
****What I felt, what I've known  
****Never shined through in what I've shown  
****Never free never me  
****So I dub the unforgiven**

Sara refused to speak to Grissom unless she absolutely had to, upset with him for being so cold and unattached. Upset or jealous? She pondered as she processed a plastic bag they had picked up at the scene. Upset, for sure. If given the choice she would rather suffer through the aguish and pain that came with her feeling something for the victims of the horrific crimes they came across, instead of being hollow and uncaring.

Grissom stopped working. He had noticed Sara's attitude aimed towards him, and as far as he knew, for once, he had not done anything. At this point he was annoyed by her and the pain in his head, but he had to keep it together just a bit longer.

"What is wrong?" Grissom asked trying to hide the face he was annoyed by her attitude, it came through despite the attempt.

"Nothing." Sara snapped back part of her pattern of responding to his questions or comments with short simple answers since they had gotten back to the lab.

"Why don't you go home? What is this our second double this week?" Grissom said coming to the conclusion Sara was likely as exhausted as he was, and it was better that at least one of them got rest.

"I'm fine. I want to finish processing and attend the autopsies."

"You do not have to do that." Grissom said softly flinching when Sara snapped her response back to him.

"I know. But I thought someone who cared for more than just solving the case to get the Sheriff off their back should be there."

He wanted to protest and say he had cared for more than getting the Sheriff off his back, but he was too tired and in too much pain to fight with her right now. The rise in blood pressure that accompanied the anger only made his migraine worse.

"Can you finish here?" He asked deciding to avoid the fight that would eventually end in Sara's suspension if he let this continue.

"Yes." Sara said still angry at Grissom.

"I'm going to go start on the paperwork in my office until Dr. Robbins calls for the autopsies. I'll come get you." Grissom left the room knowing it was the best move for all involved to avoid the eventual fight that would occur between them.

In the safety of his office he left the lights off and moved over to the couch. Laying down he put his hand over his eyes to block out more of the light. The room was cool thanks to the air conditioning. He soon found himself sound asleep on the couch, pain forgotten in his sleep. It was his phone buzzing in his pocket that woke him from his slumber. Sitting up he groaned as the pain came back, god he hated migraines. He sighed and answered the phone trying to push the pain and exhaustion from his voice, "Grissom."

"We are ready whenever you are." Doc Robbins said as a greeting.

"Be down in a minute." Grissom said hanging up the phone and dragging his exhausted body off the couch.

He found Sara sitting in the break room having finished all of the evidence.

"Dr. Robbins is ready for us." Grissom said hoping the fight between them was over or at least on pause until a later time. He made a mental note to assign her to work with someone else tomorrow so he would not have to deal with her moods.

"Greg offered some of his good coffee if you would like a cup?" Sara said before finishing her cup in one swallow.

"No thanks." Grissom said knowing the caffeine from the coffee would only make his migraine worse. He had learned that the hard way after someone had suggested it as a remedy. What the idiot and the idiot that is Grissom did not know was caffeine only helps a migraine if it is caused, in part, by not having enough caffeine when one is accustomed to drinking large amounts of caffeine.

"Let's go than." She wanted to apologize for being angry with him without a good reason, but decided better of it. Instead she vowed to keep to her original plan, Grissom was her boss nothing more and she would remember to treat and think of him that way. He made it clear he wanted nothing more from her, time after time.

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**A/N: Thanks for reading! Song is Metallica's from their black album. **


	3. Chapter 2: Not Meant to Be

**A/N: As always thank you for reading and commenting. You all are awesome. Just saying the more review the more motivated I am to work on this instead of the other fun things like cleaning homicide data to test hypotheses regarding the changes in economy effect on homicide rates across nations. **

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**Chapter 2: Not Meant to Be**

The autopsies were difficult for all involved. However, the difference between a CSI that could do the job for a lifetime, much like Grissom, and a CSI who would eventually burn out, was the ability to push down any emotions that might arise due to a case. The horrific deaths, especially of the children, bothered Grissom, but it mattered more that he found answers in the evidence. It did not help that he occasionally glanced over at Sara and saw tears in her eyes, when the tears were not there, she would have a glare aimed at him. Two questions circled around his head. The first, why did he not allow himself to reach over and embrace her somehow, to comfort her. That was an easy question to answer, it was too costly, emotions were better ignored. Emotions were too messy. It was easier to ignore them.

The second question was what had he done now to piss her off? He thought they had gotten past his inability to open himself to her, to put his career on the line, his very wellbeing on the line to be with her, despite what he felt. But most of all on his mind was the migraine that was ever present, and threatened to reach a level of pain that would disable him. It was a blinding pain right in his frontal lobe, that would throb to the point he was nauseous and eventually he would vomit. The progression of this migraine was no different from the others before it. However, the timing was horrible. This case needed to be solved, and the first 24 hours would be important because of the nature of the crime.

Dr. Robbins stated, "From my initial examination I would say the deaths occurred in the order of the little girl, the son, mother, and finally the father. There are defensive wounds on the mother. She fought them. The injuries to the mother, son, and girl were all caused while they were still alive. This includes the sexual assaults. DNA techs will have to confirm, but I believe each victim was sexually assaulted more than once." His voice remained professional but each word he said stabbed him in the heart, it was difficult when the victims were kids, and the deaths were horrific. Possibly some of the worse he had seen in awhile. Doc Robbins knew tonight he would go home and hug his wife, call his kids, and talk to his grandchildren.

Those words made Sara's stomach turn threatening to lose its contents. It all was just too horrific. She was a strong female, but no one could stand here and look at the horrific acts that were done against these people and not feeling anything. Well no one but Dr. Gilbert Grissom. She could even notice the sorrow in Doc Robbins eyes. As Robbins went through each of the injuries and finally the causes of death it was too much for anyone to suffer, let alone four different people. It was her problem she knew, she often identified too much with the victims. She let their deaths become personal, but it was what drove her to work hard to solve each case. It was getting justice for these people that mattered. She found her passion in the job by finding justice for those who could not do it for themselves anymore. Justice was not revenge, nor would it bring back these people, but it would rebalance the world.

"Thanks Al." Grissom said stifling a yawn, he was exhausted, and the harsh florescent lights of the morgue were notching his migraine up to a level of almost unbearable pain.

"Judy has been asking me about when you are going to come around for breakfast or dinner on your night off?" Al stated as if it were any other day and there were not a family lying on his slabs. While this may seem cruel, it was his way of dealing with the harsh things he had to see throughout his day. Compartmentalizing was important if one wanted to be the Chief Medical Examiner in a city like Vegas where people did some of the most horrific things to each other.

"Been a bit busy." Grissom said with a frown. It was not that he did not like having dinner or breakfast with Al and his wife, it was more that Judy kept trying to set him up with her friends. The woman did not seem to understand that Grissom was happy alone, and that he was not searching for someone to complete him. He knew she meant well, but he was running out of creative excuses for not wanting to date whoever she had in mind.

"I'll tell her you'll let me know when." Al said smiling knowing why the night shift supervisor did not want to have dinner with him and his wife. Judy had been one a one person mission to find Mrs Right for Grissom.

"If that is all I guess we'll go process some more evidence." Grissom said indicating it was time to leave.

The conversation back to the lab was all work related. Grissom started, "So it looks like a professional job."

"Yeah but why? There is nothing in these people's past that indicates why anyone would want to harm them. Let alone torture them."

"Maybe Brass will have more information on their background." Grissom said closing his eyes for a brief moment. "Why don't you go home and get some rest? This is your second double and we are only into the fourth day of the workweek. Aren't you supposed to be off today?"

"Yes." Sara said, "What about you? Are you going home to rest."

"I have some paperwork to finish."

"I'll work as long as you work. This case is still hot." Sara said, "We need to find the killers before they leave town."

"We can only do our best." Grissom said, "And you would do better to rest. Looking at the evidence and case with rested eyes will help you find more information."

"Are you saying I'm not capable."

Grissom stopped her, "No I'm not saying that. I'm saying that we both need the rest. You are the one who can go home and rest. I will finish the paperwork and go home myself."

God she made his head hurt more from her pure stubbornness. There was no reason for her to push herself this far. Was this a game of whatever you can do I can do better? Because he was not interested in playing that game right now. He wanted to go home, but he knew that was not an option. Sara was right the case was hot right now, and he needed to make sure all the i's were dotted and the t's crossed before he finally got to take the pills that would dull the pain in his skull, and maybe if he was lucky he would sleep.

Sara had been talking, but Grissom would not have known, too wrapped up in his thoughts about her. Sara waited for a response from Grissom and when she got none she asked, "You ok?"

"Yes." Grissom said almost as a growl. He did not want this right now, whatever Sara was trying to prove she did not need to prove it.

"Did you hear a word I just said?"

Grissom did not answer, and luckily he did not have to when his phone rang.

"Brass." He said as way of explanation of why he was cutting their argument short to take the call.

"Where you at?" Brass asked before Grissom could say anything.

"On our way back to the lab." Grissom said, "What do you have?"

"The father is Mark Howard, 40 years of age. The mother is Augusta Howard, 42 years of age. The son is Wilson Howard and is a freshmen at the Advance Technologies Academy. The daughter is Maria Howard and is 4 years old."

"Anything else?" Grissom asked wishing he did not sound as annoyed, just in pain.

"Mark Howard worked at a bank. He was the President of the bank."

"Do we know what Augusta Howard did?" Grissom asked noticing Sara paying attention to him waiting for him to fill her in on the conversation. If he had thought about it, he probably could have turned the speaker on his phone so she could join the conversation.

"So far it appears she kept house. She had a bakery that failed a few years ago." Brass replied. "I will fill you in on the rest when you get back to the lab."

"has anyone talked to Mark Howards co-workers yet?" Grissom asked wondering if the bank had something to do with the murders. So far the family seemed like a normal family, not one that would all die the same night after being tortured. Neighbors had been shocked to hear about the families untimely death. They seemed like nice normal people. The kids were respectful.

"Not yet." Brass said, "I was going over with couple of my detectives now."

"Let me know what you find." Grissom said knowing he would not be able to function enough to be an assets when questioning the co-workers.

Grissom quickly filled Sara in on the information as they were walking back to the lab. Once there, Grissom kept walking until he reached where Greg or someone should have been working on the DNA that was collected at the scene.

Walking in Grissom regretted it within seconds when the loud music reached his ears, making his brain feel like it was imploding, the pressure inside felt like too much. Halos entered his vision, and he knew this migraine was going to be one of the worse ones. There were two types of migraines the bad ones that made him non-functional for a hours, and the worse ones that would take a day at the least before he could even function properly.

**It's never enough to say I'm sorry  
****It's never enough to say I care  
****I'm caught between what you wanted from me  
****And knowing if I give it to you I might just disappear  
****No body wins when everyone is losing**

"Can you please turn that down." Grissom said grasping a counter as he felt the world start to narrow in his vision.

"Sorry." Greg said looking at Grissom worried, Sara did not seem to notice or care that Grissom looked like he was about ready to pass out. "You ok boss?" Greg asked searching Grissom.

" I am fine." Grissom said following up with, "Just tired."

Sara and Greg both looked at each other, something was wrong if Grissom was willing to admit he was tired. It was not just exhaustion.

"I ran the DNA you gave me."

"And?" Grissom asked a bit more testy than he wanted to, but he wanted to get to the cool dark office, and place the cold compress on his head.

Greg was talking, but Grissom just saw lips moving, and he was not going to try to read them.

"Cut to the point please." Grissom said tuning back in knowing he probably missed little while he had taken his little trip away.

"I believe there are multiple DNA profiles. I am trying to get them now. I'll run them through the system for you and email the results to you all."

"Thanks Greg." Sara said, both now worried about Grissom who seemed to sway on his feet.

"Greg this is your priority case." Grissom said, "The Sherriff is going to want results and soon. So get it done."

"I am working on in as fast as I can." Greg said feeling defensive because he had been working diligently on getting the DNA profiles. He did not even stop for a coffee break.

Before leaving Grissom ordered, "Sara go home now. There is not a lot left to do on the case. Brass will call if he gets anything."

Sara was going to protest, but before she could Grissom was out of the office. He moved faster than she thought possible given he had just been swaying on his feet.

Greg shrugged his shoulders at her before turning his music back up, "I would say go after him, but he might actually bite your head off."

**It's like one step forward and two steps back  
****No matter what I do you're always made  
****And I can't change your mind  
****It's like trying to turn around on a one way street  
****I can't give you what you want and it's killing me  
****And I'm starting to see maybe we are not meant to be**

Grissom was rushing back to his office, hoping he made it in time. He felt the coolness greet him the minute he was inside. Not bothering to turn the light on he made it to the garbage can before what little contents in his stomach came out. Retching over the can he waited until he was sure he was finished, and than he leaned back in his chair trying to regain some strength. He felt cold, but he was sweating.

He never heard the knock on the door or the door open. He was completely unaware of Sara until the light flipped on in his office. The florescent sent a searing pain through his head causing him to groan in pain, and move his hands up to his eyes to block the light.

"Please turn the light off." Grissom asked trying to sit up straight in his desk chair.

"You're sick." Sara said knowing she was stating the obvious but what else was she going to say.

"I'm fine." Grissom said, "Just a headache."

Sara wanted to call bullshit, but decided if Grissom wanted to be this way, than she would let him. He was an adult, and it was not like he was her significant other. It was not as bitter as it sounded, she told herself. No it was a simple fact he made it clear he wanted her to stay out of his life.

"I am not going home." She said, "I will leave before shift starts if we do not have anything new. There is still some evidence to be processed, and I'll work on that." Sara left the office closing the door behind her. Part of her wanted to slam it but she knew it would just be cruel.

As soon as she was gone Grissom slowly pulled himself to his feet, he felt like he suddenly weighed too much for even his own legs to carry him over to the couch. When he finally made it, he lay on the couch putting his arm over his head. Closing his eyes, he hoped he was wrong about this migraine being one of the worst.

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A/N: The song Not Meant to Be is by Theory of a Deadman.


	4. Chapter 3: Don't think twice

**A/N: Thank you for reading and commenting. You all are awesome. If you don't notice I am struggling with not making Sara too emotional or too not emotional.**

* * *

**Chapter 3: Don't think twice, it's alright**

The next person to enter Grissom's office was Brass. He had knocked and when the CSI did not answer Brass had searched the labs. It was Sara who told Brass Grissom was in his office. When Brass entered the office, he had assumed his friend was resting between shifts. It was not until he stood over Grissom that he knew the supervisor was sick.

"Grissom wake up." Brass said not touching the man who looked anything but restful asleep on the couch.

Grissom opened his eyes and was greeted with the florescent lights were on again. He closed his eyes as he sat up, hoping Brass would just leave it alone. It was a well known fact that Grissom suffered from migraines, but he often could work through them. This one was one of the worse ones, but he still would try to make it through.

"What do you have?" Grissom asked as he slowly sat up feeling dizzy.

"Augusta Howard was having an affair." Bras noticed the lights were bothering Grissom, so he walked over and turned the lamp on.

That made Grissom more alert quickly sitting up he was grateful Brass turned the main light off in the office. "With who?"

"The neighbor." Brass replied as he walked to the light switch on the wall to turn the main lights off to save his friend from the pain. Light sensitivity told Brass it was very likely Grissom had a migraine.

"Did Mark Howard know?" Grissom asked.

"Do not know yet." Brass replied taking a seat in an empty chair and almost sighing as he felt the weight go off his feet. He was getting old, and all the hours spent working this case were adding up.

"But the relationship does not explain their deaths." Grissom replied noting that it was something he should have picked up on right away, damn migraine was making it almost impossible to think. The pain was all encompassing. "The evidence indicates this was a professional hit, in which, the family was tortured to get information out of Mark Howard."

"Yes. However, maybe the neighbor knows why someone would take a hit out on the Howards." Brass studied his friend trying to deduce if Grissom should go home or if he could work through the migraine. All signs indicated that the criminalist needed to go home. If Brass looked rough, Grissom looked like death warmed over. Gil was more disheveled than Brass had seen him in a long time. His clothes were wrinkled and the way he carried himself indicated extreme exhaustion and pain.

"How did you find out about the affair?" Grissom questioned.

"Augusta Howard was friends with one of the tellers at the bank. She told me during an interview. Augusta had told her she was going to end the affair, but as far as the friend knew they were still seeing each other."

"Let's go interview the neighbor." Grissom said trying to stand, but a wave of dizziness came over him and he fell back down to the couch.

"You look like hell." Brass said, "I am taking you home, and I will go interview the neighbor. No reason for you to be there, he is not connected to any evidence yet."

Grissom protested, "I might see something you miss."

"I am not going to be offended by that statement." Brass said chuckling on the inside because he knew Grissom did not mean it the way it sounded, "Come on let's get you home."

"I can drive myself." Grissom said protesting thought he still had not moved from the couch as he still felt dizzy.

"Humor me." Brass responded, there was no way in hell he was going to let Grissom drive himself home. The man could not even stand up.

Grissom wanted to snap that he was a grown man and could take care of himself, but he was too tired and in too much pain to raise much of an argument that he knew he ultimately would lose. "How am I supposed to get back for shift?"

"Either one of your team can pick you up or I can have a uniform drive you in." Brass said reaching out to help his friend off the couch, and was surprised when Grissom accepted the hand.

"What if there is an emergency and I am needed?" Grissom felt like a petulant child not wanting to go to bed, so he was finding every reason not to, but that did not stop him from acting that way.

"Than I will pick you up." Brass said getting annoyed with his friend. The last time someone had acted this way around him was when his daughter was a little girl. Right before bed time she would need a glass of water, a story read to her, a monster under the bed check, than five minutes after he lay her down, she would not be able to sleep. She would ask for a glass of warm milk, and it kept on until finally his former wife would refuse to give in. '

"I need to talk to Sara before we leave." Grissom stated knowing it was a sign of defeat, but it was a battle he would never win.

* * *

It took Grissom five minutes to find Sara, he finally found her sitting in the break room drinking a cup of coffee.

"I am going home. You need to do the same." Grissom said curing the lights shining down on him. Why did migraines have to come with light sensitivity and dizzy spells?

"I want to finish the case first." Sara said refusing to go home. Someone had to work this case. These were the most important hours. If nothing broke, chances of them finding the killer(s) was low to non-existent.

"You will go home now, and not come back until the start of shift tomorrow." Grissom snapped because of the pain in his head which intensified as Sara chose to argue with him over this.

"I am an adult and I will do whatever the hell I want." Sara snapped back her anger matching Grissom's.

"Sara as your boss I am ordering you to go home and not return until shift tomorrow." His voice raised another notch, people outside the break room were taking notice of the argument forming between the graveyard shift supervisor and team member. Lucky for both of them Eckile was out at a meeting and would never know about the fight.

"How can you expect me just to drop everything? These people deserve justice!"

"And they will get it." Grissom snapped, "We can only do so much. The evidence is not there, and it is not going to magically appear because you want it to. It will still not magically appear when you come back at the start of shift tomorrow!"

"How can you be this cold? This uncaring?" Sara was letting her anger take control. Had both occupants of the room not been so exhausted, and for one in pain, the argument probably never would have happened. However, the minute Grissom's voice raised in anger, Sara's voice raised to meet his. The argument was really over little if one had not known the history or lack of history between the two occupants.

"I am not uncaring. I am detached from the case so I can remain objective." Grissom would be upset with himself for the words that followed, "You should try it sometime it might make you a better CSI."

He had no excuse for them and he knew the words were not true. Sara was one of the best CSI he had the pleasure to work with. She reminded him of himself, only better, if he was honest. Her dedication was not found out of the need to fill a void in her life. He was passionate about what he did, that was clear, and he would never not do anything he was not passionate about. However, the entire devotion to his career was the result of the knowledge that he could not ever love another human again. The job was a nice way to protect himself from ever having to be completely open to another person. It was not that he was afraid of being rejected, though that was a bit of his reasoning, it was the pain that comes from giving yourself completely to someone and than being found lacking. The job would never do that to him. So instead of just facing his fear or the pain of his past, he devoted himself completely to his tradecraft. It fill the void. However, Sara was different. She did the job because of passion and there was no fear there.

Sara did not know what to say to what Grissom had just spat at her. He did not think she was a good CSI. He did not respect her work.

Grissom knew his words had hurt her because she could not respond. Instead of apologizing he said, "Go home. I'll see you tomorrow."

* * *

Sara was still angry when she woke up six hours later. It was that anger that propelled her out of bed and into a shower. It was decided, she was going to tell Grissom how she felt, go into the office and write her letter of resignation, come back, pack her life up, and leave this town and him. No one had the right to treat her the way he did, does. Before Grissom she would never have let anyone do this to her, why was he different? It did not matter, she would tell him about himself, and than walk out. The guys she would miss, but it was best for her to leave now. Somewhere else would respect her talents and not make her second guess herself.

In her car she drove a bit faster than she normally would, the anger was still boiling under the surface as she turned the radio up and sang with Bob Dylan.

**So long honey babe, where I'm bound I can't tell  
****Goodbye is too good a word babe  
****So I just say fare the well  
****I ain't saying you treated me unkind  
****You could have done better  
****But I don't mind  
****You just kind of wasted my precious time  
****But don't think twice it's alright.**

She rehearsed in her head what she was going to say to him. Tell him how much he had hurt her, how much he had used her, and left her constantly second guessing herself. How cruel he was to ask her to come to Vegas, knowing what she wanted from him, and yet he had no intention of ever giving or trying to give himself to her. The fact that she had heard him say, she was not worth the risk and how much that had hurt her. All he had done was hurt her, and now she was going to cut out the pain and leave before she was left like him. An empty shell of a human being that no one would miss once he was gone.

Pulling up in front of his house she put the car in park and wiped the tears from her eyes she had not even known she was crying. This was it, the end of her time in Vegas was near. Did she have to do this? She asked herself because she knew it would be better just to leave a letter of resignation on his desk and leave. While not giving any notice was unprofessional, what she was about to do was completely unprofessional. It would mean she would not get a recommendation from him. Did it matter? If she wanted to work in another lab it might. Maybe she would go back to graduate school and get her PhD? A letter from Catherine or even Nick would do, not like the programs would know who Grissom was, unless she went back for entomology or forensics. It was decided she was going to do this.

With all of the pain she felt and the anger she got out of her car, slamming the door harder than she meant to. Sara was ready for battle, her walls were up, defenses shields at full power. She would make him feel what she felt. Reaching his door she knocked and it slid open some. The door had been slightly open, and her pounding fist on the door pushed it open more. She could feel the cool air from inside wafting outside, why would he have his door open if he had his air on?

Knocking again, this time a bit more gently she waited again listening this time to hear if he was coming. No noise came from inside the house. Pushing the door open she called out, "Grissom you home?"

* * *

A/N: Song is by Bob Dylan.


	5. Chapter 4: The Loner

**A/N: Thanks for the reviews folks. The next couple of chapters are going to be more Sara/Griss drama, and less to do with the case. The case will come back, and will be solved by the end of the story (promise). BTW, a lot of you are saying Grissom migraine story, it is not. That is clichéd (I mean I am sure there are at least 50 different stories with that). I mean he may have a migraine right now, but that's the least of his problem…(next chapter)…I promise it's not a brain tumor either. Not because it's clichéd but because I once watched someone die in the span of 6 months from one and I do not want to relieve that ever again. **

**Really, thanks for the reviews. Really it makes me want to give you more because no one has figured out A) Why Grissom got shot, B) What is wrong with Grissom, C) Why the Howards were killed… But I enjoy your guesses. Though the answer to Question A has been given (and it's nothing to do with the Howards case)…**

* * *

**Chapter 4: The Loner**

Sara walked into the house cautious because she was not sure what waited for her inside. Had Grissom been attacked? Was he playing the role of the absent minded professor and left his door open? Was there a burglary in process? It was a common myth that it was a night when people house would be burglarized in their sleep, she knew for a fact that almost all burglaries occurred during the day when people were away from their homes and apartments.

Now in the foyer of the house she thought about calling Brass in case something was going on. She decided against it simply because she did not want to explain the detective why she was at Grissom's. No one was going to talk her out of leaving, and Brass would do it or get the guys to help him do it.

It was when she saw the freezer door open that Sara got worried again. Rushing into the kitchen she found Grissom sitting on the floor his head resting against a cabinet door. Blood was had dried on the side of his face. Had he fallen? She wondered as she walked over to him. He looked like he was in pain.

"Grissom." Sara said walking over to him. He did not seem to acknowledge her. She touched him and felt his hot damp skin. If it were not for the fact his chest was rising and falling she would have sworn he was dead. "Grissom." She called a little louder her hand moving up to his neck to check his pulse. Did he have a heart attack? Why didn't she push him earlier to tell her what was wrong, she could tell he was unwell in his office, but she was so angry with him she ignored his pain.

Grissom opened his eyes when he felt the warm hands on his neck. He jumped when he saw Sara's face in front of his own.

"Hey." Sara said softly not sure if Grissom was completely aware yet.

"What are you doing here?" Grissom asked his voice harsh.

"The front door was open." Sara answered, "I knocked and when it opened I got worried."

Grissom did not remember leaving the front door open. After Brass got him home, he remembered pushing the door closed behind himself. He went straight to the bathroom and took his migraine medicine. Than he went to the kitchen to the to get a bottle of water and the ice pack for his head. He remembered feeling extremely dizzy, and as he tried to walk out he fell. The edge of the counter, he had hit his face as he fell to the ground. The world had still been spinning, so he decided to rest against the cabinet before he was going to stand up. He remembered thinking he would rest his eyes for a few minutes because the world had still been spinning. ...Ouch.

"Did you hit your head?" Sara asked her fingers gently assessing the damage to the damage to the side of Grissom's head.

"On the counter." Grissom answered trying to withdraw further into the cabinet door he was leaning against.

"It doesn't look too bad." Sara said, "I don't think you'll need stitches but it needs to be cleaned."

Grissom sat on the floor the migraine was still pounding away inside his head. Hitting his head probably did not help matters he thought to himself, and that thought him into a small fit of laugher.

Sara looked at him worried because Grissom seemed to be laughing at nothing, "You must have hit your head harder than I thought." Sara said, "Are you sure you feel ok? Maybe you should go to the hospital."

"Don't need the hospital, it's just a headache" Grissom responded, "I had it before I hit my head." He stated quickly after seeing her look worried, "Migraine."

"Oh." Sara said putting the symptoms he had exhibited together it seemed to be an accurate assessment. How had she missed it? Oh yeah because it was Grissom.

Grissom finally tried to stand up, but he appeared to be unsteady. Sara reached out and helped him up steadying him once he was on his feet.

"Thanks." Grissom said feeling embarrassed, "The medicine sometimes makes me a bit out of it."

Neither spoke for a few seconds of awkward silence. Grissom was leaning against the counter not sure what to say to Sara, and Sara was not sure what to say herself.

Finally Grissom realized he was not sure why Sara was at his house, but he was sure it was for a fight or maybe she expected an apology for something. He really did not want to fight right now, he really just wanted to crawl into bed and sleep.

"What time is it?" Instead of confronting whatever she wanted he decided to take the easy route and ask an obvious question.

"About 4 pm." Sara said looking at the time on her phone.

Grissom wanted to ask why are you here, but he was trying to find the words so that he did not sound annoyed. Maybe if he did not sound annoyed she would not launch into whatever fight she had been building up for because he could tell she had come to fight. Her body language had changed, she was coiled for a fight, and he knew he had to stop it if he wanted to ever get the chance to curl into his bed before shift started.

"You might want to take tonight off Griss. I really think you should go to the hospital too." Sara said hoping it did not cause a fight. She had come here with all intentions of telling Grissom about himself, but he looked so pitiful that she could not right now. She was still tense though because it was weird standing in his kitchen across from him.

Grissom knew he was in no shape to go into work, but he needed to. There were cases to be worked, and he had not called off sick in years. He shook his head in agreement, and immediately regretted it as his brain reminded him the blood vessels were restricted and he was currently in the grasp of a migraine.

"Why did you come here?" He finally asked ignoring her last statement about the hospital.

"I wanted to talk." Sara said knowing they both knew she did not come just to talk. "It can wait."

Ok Grissom thought, he actually thought he had said it, instead he just stood there staring at Sara. Why was she still here? Was she expecting something from him?

"Have you eaten yet?" Sara asked not sure what to do with herself, but she felt like she should not leave Grissom alone. He looked so ragged. She had not realized how exhausted he had been, and the pain he was in was etched clearly on his features. Her anger had caused her to ignore all of this.

"I'm not hungry." Grissom responded honestly. The idea of food made him nauseous.

"Well…" Sara said hoping Grissom would make it easy on her, but she knew that was a faulty hope. The silence between them was uncomfortable again, and she was not sure what to day or do. "Do you have a first aid kit? I can clean that cut for you since you won't go to the hospital."

Grissom wanted to object, but he could feel the blood on his face and he did not trust his shaky hands to not make it worse by causing it to bleed again. "In the bathroom."

"Why don't you sit down and I'll go get it." Sara said leaving before Grissom could object. She remembered where his bathroom was from the last time she had been at his house. It had been during a case they were working, the gang hand showed up to work it with Grissom after he was kicked off the case by the Sheriff.

Grissom took the time to call Catherine, his cellphone still in his pocket.

"I do not think I can make it in tonight to work. Can you cover shift?" Grissom asked as soon as Catherine answered the phone. He knew she would relish at the chance to play the boss, most of the team would not enjoy it, but Catherine was good at her job. She would keep them inline, even if she got a bit too bossy.

"No problem." Catherine said, "You ok?"

"Migraine."

"Did you take your pills?" Catherine asked clearly driving somewhere as Grissom could hear the sound of traffic.

"Yes." Grissom said.

As Sara walked back into the room she had called out, "You don't have much in the way of first aid supplies."

Catherine heard her in the background and she could not help but smile, "Sara is there?"

"She showed up to talk."

The smile quickly faded, Catherine did not think Grissom was in the shape to fight, and that usually what a talk meant between those twos. "You need me to come over."

"No." Grissom answered.

"Wait why did Sara need a first aid kit?" Catherine asked.

"Hit my head. I'm fine. Just needs clean."

"And you are letting Sara do it?"

"Yes." Grissom answered getting annoyed by all of the questions.

"Put Sara on the phone."

"No need to talk to her. I got to go." Grissom said hanging up the phone not wanting Catherine to get any more information.

"Who was that?" Sara asked standing over Grissom.

"Catherine."

"She was ok with covering shift tonight?"

"Yes." Grissom answered looking up at Sara.

It was than that Sara's phone rang. Sara laughed when she saw the display it was Catherine.

"Hello Catherine."

"Tell Grissom thanks for hanging up on me."

Sara frowned because she was sure Catherine was going to ask her to come into work tonight. She had hoped to maybe hang around Grissom for a bit to make sure he was ok, and than tell him the news once she was sure he was ok, "What do you need Catherine?"

"Can you do me a favor?"

Here it comes Sara thought, "What do you need?"

"Can you stay with Grissom tonight. He said he hit his head, and this is his third migraine in two months. Maybe you can try to convince him to go to the hospital?"

Sara looked at Grissom worried. She could not remember seeing him in pain before that day, but he often hid in his office a few times. He had claimed he was doing paperwork, but Catherine always ended up doing the paperwork. Sara knew this because Catherine would complain about it. Sara had just assumed Grissom was doing some sort of experiment in his office. It was not uncommon for the night supervisor to come up with an experiment for a case.

"I can try." Sara said not really wanting to stay the entire time around Grissom, but she was worried about him now. Looking at him now, she saw he had lost some weight, not much, but enough that his clothes were a bit loose, and his face was pale.

"Thank you Sara."

Hanging up the phone Sara was not sure how to broach the subject with Grissom.

"What did Catharine want?" Grissom asked taking Sara's option away.

"She asked me if I was willing to stay here to keep an eye on you. And try to get you to go to the hospital."

"I am fine." Grissom growled.

"You know after you hit your head you are supposed to have someone around just to make sure."

"It's not that bad."

"I know." Sara said exhaling in frustration, sometimes Grissom was just like a little kid, a little kid she wanted to smack occasionally, "But you know it is easier to just do what Catherine ask than have her come over here. I doubt her yelling at you will really help with your migraine."

"I'm sure you have a life and have better things to do than hang out here. I was just going to sleep anyways." Grissom said trying to give Sara an out. He was not sure how he felt about having her in his house. His inner sanctum, the one place he could stay and not have to hide away or think about what he did. He could just be here, and he knew here said a lot about who he was. What if she looked around while he was asleep? She would learn more about him than he wanted her to know.

"I actually did not have any plans." Sara lied, she had plans, but they included her packing to leave. "Like I said it is easier to do what she wants."

"I know." Grissom said in defeat.

"Let's get that wound cleaned so you can go rest."

"What are you going to do?"

"Do you have any of the latest forensic journals? I was just going to catch up on those. My laptop is out in my car too, so I can go grab that and work for a bit."

"Working on your day off?" Grissom said raising an eyebrow, but it hurt so he quickly let it lower back down.

"Just research." Sara wanted to add it was research on graduate schools she could attend to obtain her PhD.

"How about you go get your laptop, and you may want to stop somewhere for food. I'll find the journals and bring them out before I go to sleep."

"Not so fast we need to clean that cut."

Grissom let her administer to him before she left to go find food, and Grissom showered while she was gone. When he got out of the shower and she was not back, he took the time to quickly hide away anything he did not want her seeing. He doubted she would snoop, but you never know. Finally when she returned he walked out of his office with the password for his internet, and the last 5 forensic journals he had received in the mail.

"Thanks Griss." Sara said taking the journals from him. "I have some extra food if you'd like some?"

"No. I'm just going to go get some sleep." Grissom said, "You really don't have to stay you know."

"I know. But I want to." Sara said, "I want to make sure you are ok. Plus you know Cath will check in."

"OK. If you need anything just ask." Grissom said feeling more comfortable now, unsure why the idea of Sara staying no longer made him uncomfortable, but he was in no state to think about. Before he left he stopped again and turned to ask, "What did you want to talk about?"

"We can talk later." Sara said knowing it was better to let him rest and the migraine to leave before she told him she was leaving.

"You came over, it must have been important." Grissom said walking back across the room sitting down in a chair so that Sara would get the point he wanted her to talk now.

"It is nothing." Sara said lying.

"Just tell me Sara." Grissom said knowing it was not good if she kept refusing to tell him.

Sara exhaled and decided it might be a better time, Grissom looked so exhausted and in pain that he probably would not fight her much, "I am leaving."

"When?" Grissom asked.

"As soon as possible."

"Why?"

Sara frowned, how did she tell him it is because of him. Not just that he won't love her, but because he won't respect her either. "Does it matter?"

"Yes. It matters to me." Grissom said, "You are one of the best CSI's"

Sara wanted to scream, just earlier he had told her she was not a good CSI, but now she was wanting to leave, he was changing his tune, he always did this. She deiced to call him on it, "That is not what you said earlier. You cannot keep changing your mind every time I tell you I want to leave. You flattering me his not enough to make me stay."

"I did not say you were a bad CSI." Grissom said searching his memory to make sure he had not said those words.

"You did. You said I should learn to check my emotions, it would make me a better CSI."

Grissom wanted to roll his eyes, but he knew it would hurt, "Better CSI does not mean you are not a good CSI. That you are not one of the best. A better CSI means that sometimes you let your emotions get in the way."

"How sexist." Sara said, "Because I'm a female I'm emotional."

"Not what I was saying and you know that." Grissom said keeping calm, surprisingly, "Just because you are a female does not mean you are emotional. Nick's emotions get in the way often. You identify with the victims too much. That can cloud your judgment sometimes. Occasionally it works in your favor, but more often it clouds judgment. Makes you bias, and you could miss something."

"I still need to leave." Sara said, "You do not respect me like you do the other team members."

"I respect you Sara."

"You don't show it." Sara said, "You don't show me the respect you show Catherine, Nick or Warrick."

Grissom knew a bit of this was true. He almost never yelled at any of his team, except Sara. He never yelled at any of his team in front of others, except Sara. "I am sorry if I ever disrespected you."

"Thank you for the apology, but it's not enough."

Grissom sighed, "The lab needs you Sara."

Not this line again Sara thought to herself. She could not make a future with the lab, not like Grissom. She wanted a life one day, someone to come home to, something to come home too even. Something other than the crushing loneliness.

Grissom continued to talk, "I know things happen or did not happen between us."

Sara was listening now, he was actually talking about a subject that mattered, addressing one of their core problems.

"It may be part of the reason for the way I treat you." Grissom said, "The others cannot get under my skin like you do."

"Still no excuse."

"I'm not saying it is Sara." Grissom replied quickly, "All I can do is say I'll try harder. Sometimes I cannot help it."

"Will you stop punishing me for going on dates with other people."

"I never…"

Before Grissom could finish Sara said, "You did Grissom. When I was dating Hank. You made me work alone for weeks."

"I didn't do it on purpose." Grissom was honest, later he knew he had done it out of jealousy, but at the time he did not think he made a conscious decision to punish her.

"That is why I have to leave Griss. This thing between us, I need to get away so I can be happy."

"I understand." Grissom said, "All I can say is you will be missed. I will miss you if you decide to go. I hope you do not. Can you wait to make your decision until we talk properly. When my head does not feel like it's going to explode? We can have a proper talk about your grievances."

"I can wait." Sara said.

"Would you stay if I transferred to a different shift? What if I went to swing, you could keep graveyard, and the swing shift supervisor would take over. That way you would not have to work with me? If that is the problem."

"You would do that?" Sara asked surprised at the offer.

"Yes." Grissom answered. "I asked you to come down here and work. If you cannot work because of me, than I should fix that."

"We can talk more later." Sara said truly touched by his offer. "Go rest Griss. I'll still be here when you wake up."

"Thanks for staying Sara."

* * *

It was an half hour later when Sara heard the snores coming from Grissom's room. They had taken her out of her trance she had been in reading an journal article entitled "Progress towards developing the 'pathogen toolkit'. It had been a dreadfully boring article, but she felt like she should be up to date on the research in her field.

Getting off the couch she stretched. Music would be nice, she thought, walking over to Grissom's stereo. She hoped he would not mind her turning on his stereo. Pressing the power button she looked at it, trying to figure out how to work the antique. It was antique too, it had a record player on top, a multi disk port that ejected, a tape slot, and radio dials. As she was studying the stereo, a guitar started to sound through the speakers.

Quickly she recognized the voice when the person started to sing.

**He's a perfect stranger,  
****Like a cross of himself and a fox.  
****He's a feeling arranger  
****And a changer of the way he talks.  
****He's the unforeseen danger  
****The keeper of the key to the locks.  
****Nothing can free him.  
****Step aside, open wide,  
****It's the loner**

She had never heard this Neil Young song before, and that observation was not overly surprising because she was not a huge Neil Young fan. She was surprised to find that Grissom was a Neil Young fan. For some reason she expected him to listen to classical music or maybe old country like Johnny Cash, Hank Williams, and some of the older folks of country music.

The song though, was not half bad. She walked back over to the couch and Googled the lyrics trying to find the name of the song. "The loner" was the answer Google provided her. Rumor had it Neil Young had wrote it about himself. Somehow it reminded Sara of Grissom.

**If you see him in the subway,  
****He'll be down at the end of the car  
****Watching you move until he knows  
****He knows who you are  
****When you get off at your station alone,  
****He'll know that you are.  
****Know when you see him,  
****Nothing can free him.  
****Step aside, open wide,  
****It's the loner.**

She listened to the last verse of the song, and she could not help but think of Grissom. How she found him studying people often, and he seemed to know about them than he seems to let on. Most seem him as socially awkward geek, but he was socially awkward, but he also had the ability to read and understand people. It was what made him such a good gambler, when he choose to gamble. It also made him good at interrogations. However, the skills of knowing others only worked on strangers. The minute you came close to him, well that was when he seemed to be blocked. Being close to people was his kryptonite, he had a hard time understanding them when they became parts of his everyday life.

Despite being able to know a lot about strangers just by studying them, no one knew very much about Grissom. Sara could recite every detail she knew about him. His father died when he was young, his mom was around, but that was all she knew about her. He was not popular in high school or college. He seemed more relaxed around strangers, as he had been around her in San Francisco. He liked racing cockroaches, though he had not done so in awhile, that she knew of. And the rest of what she knew was anything anyone could know if they looked at his CV.

No one, including Catherine, seemed to know much about Grissom or his life outside of CSI. Like when was the last time he dated someone? Was he ever married? In a serious relationship? What did he do for fun, other than race cockroaches? Did he always want to be a CSI? How did he work from becoming a corner to a CSI? What did his mom do for a living? Did he have any brothers or sisters? There was so many more questions that Sara had about the man she had worked for and with for years now. The man she had pined for since well it seemed like forever. The one question she had that she knew the answer would never be found was why was Grissom so scared to let people in? To let people get to know who he is. She knew he was terrified of people knowing him, and he hid away because of it, but why?

**There was a woman he knew  
****About a year or so ago.  
****She had something that he needed  
****And he pleaded with her not to go.  
****On the day that she left,  
****He died  
****But it did not show  
****Know when you see him,  
****Nothing can free him.  
****Step aside, open wide,  
****It's the loner.**

* * *

**A/N: Song is the Loner by the one and only Neil Young! Seriously needle the damage done, Stringman, long may you run, and many other great songs by the man. **


	6. Chapter 5: Brick

**A/N: THANKS FOR THE REVIEWS. You all are awesome. Apologies for the break between updates (final week of summer semester=a lot of work, and it is hard writing a teaching philosophy because I cannot write I just want the little jerks to learn statistics and critical thinking).**

**WARNING: THERE IS A TOUCHY SUBJECT INCLUDED IN CHAPTER (abortion). Please keep your opinion on the matter to yourself (seriously). I debated on whether or not I would even include it or just hint at it, but I could not get Ben Folds Five song out of my head and it was the main muse behind this chapter. **

* * *

**Chapter 5: Brick**

Sara realized as she opened her eyes, she must have dozed off while reading the journal. Stretching, she turned her head to the left than right in hopes of popping her sore neck, she had fallen asleep at an odd angle on Grissom's uncomfortable couch. Her cellphone told her she had been asleep for at least two hours. Not hearing anything, she decided to check on Grissom. She knocked softly on his bedroom door that was open just a crack. She heard the mumbles from inside and assumed Grissom was awake.

"Anna no, please don't." Grissom's weak voice sounded through alerting Sara to possible trouble, he sounded like he was pleading.

Pushing the door open Sara saw Grissom in the fetal position in the middle of his bed, his face lit from the hallway light shining through the now open door. She could see he was sweating. He looked distressed as he clutched a pillow to himself begging Anna in his sleep. Who was Anna?

"I'm sorry Anna. I'm sorry. Please."

Sara face flushed, she felt like a peeping tom, watching her boss who was clearly having a nightmare. However, she could not make herself wake him. This was a new piece of the puzzle that was Grissom. Whoever Anna was, she mattered to him. Finally, broken from her trance she walked into master bathroom wetted a washcloth and walked back into the room. Gently she wiped the sweat from Grissom's brown and said softly, "Grissom wake up."

He was burning up, she noted as she wiped his extremely warm to touch skin. Migraines do no cause temperatures.

It took a few seconds, but when he opened his bloodshot eyes there was pain. Not just physical pain, but the soul sucking emotional pain that dulled the once bright blue eyes to a greyish blue. Grissom startled awake when he saw the figure standing over him.

"Sara?" He asked confused.

"You were having a nightmare." Sara said softly continuing to keep the cool washcloth against his head. "And you were sweating a lot and you are really hot to the touch. Are you sure you don't have a fever?"

Grissom did not respond verbally, instead he pulled away from Sara's touch. His shirtless chest was now visible from under the covers.

"Sorry." Sara said turning her eyes away after having taken in his form. He was more muscular than she had expected. God this did nothing to keep her from wanting to just be friends with this man. He was old, old enough to be her father, but there was something about him that just made her want him.

"What time is it?" Grissom asked still confused as to why Sara was in his room. When had she been in his house? His head was foggy the neurons were not firing quickly enough for a coherent thought to be placed together.

"A little after 8." Sara said standing over the bed not sure what to do. Since Grissom did not answer her previous question she asked again, "Are you ok Griss?"

"No. I don't think I so." Grissom responded sitting up in the bed slowly, his head was hurting still. The medicine usually took over by now and dulled the pain. Why was he still in pain? Why did it feel like the world was spinning around him?

Sara reached over and noticed Grissom start to pull away from her, but he seemed to stop himself. Checking the temperature of the skin on his forehead, Sara decided he had a fever, he was sick.

"It feel like you have a fever." Sara said, "I think you should go to the hospital Griss."

Grissom did not respond, he just looked at her.

"How about I go get you some water, and you make up your mind about the hospital." Sara said taking her leave quickly.

Sara was in the kitchen filling a cup full of cold water for Grissom. She thought about calling Catherine because she was worried now about Grissom. Catherine would convince him to go to the hospital. When she turned and saw him leaning against the wall, she almost jumped, having not heard him coming.

"Why are you here?" Grissom asked truly confused as to why Sara was in his house.

"I promised Catherine I would stay." Sara replied, thinking he was asking why she was still here, and not realizing Grissom did not remember waking up earlier on the floor.

"Oh." Was all he said not moving from the wall.

"Griss you ok?"

"Headache."

"Still. The medicine hasn't lessened your pain?"

"No." Grissom said pushing off the wall, the world felt like it was still spinning but he felt like he had his bearings.

Walking over to Grissom, Sara put an arm around him to steady him. "Let's go to the hospital. Just to get you checked out to make sure you are ok."

Grissom did not fight her, he was not feeling too good. Something did not feel right. God his head was killing him.

Sara walked him over to the couch and helped him sit down. "Where are your shoes?"

"By the door." Grissom answered leaning back against the couch, he was tired, despite the pain.

Sara found his shoes and quickly helped him into them; happy he had put on a shirt before he came out to talk to her.

Helping him up, Sara and Grissom walked, Grissom leaning on Sara, to her car parked outside his house. Once inside Sara noticed Grissom's eyes started to lower. She did not want him to sleep, not sure what was wrong, but sleep may not be a good thing.

Trying to engage him in conversation, Sara asked, "Who is Anna?" As soon as the name Anna came out of Sara's mouth she observed Grissom tensing. An emotion quickly passed through his face. It was quick, too quick for Sara to completely process.

"A friend from when I was training as a CSI." Grissom answered his head resting against the cool window. He was wondering how she knew there was an Anna in his life.

"I'm sorry. I can see I made you uncomfortable. I just thought you could talk about her. I need you to stay awake." Sara said trying to explain why she had asked a question that seemed to be so personal. "It's just when you were having your nightmare you kept crying out I'm sorry Anna."

Grissom shifted uncomfortably on the passenger side, not because of the pain, but because of the line of questioning and the fact Sara had heard anything about Anna. What had he said in his sleep? He did not want to talk about it, and that was very clear in his body language. It was something that was extremely personal. A subject he had long ago banished to a small compartment in his brain of things he did not think about or talk about or remember.

Sara watched as emotions quickly passed across Grissom's face; anger, guilt, anger, sadness, guilt. This was by far the most emotional she had ever seen him. Whoever Anna was, she was someone important, and she held bad memories for Grissom, Sara concluded.

"I have no idea why I was doing that."

"When is the last time you talked to Anna?" Sara tried again she knew she should have let the subject drop but she wanted to know something anything about Grissom other than what she could find on his CV.

"That is none of your business." Grissom said with an undertone of anger in his voice.

Sara decided it was best to end the conversation and decided to keep an eye on Grissom as she drove him to the hospital. Maybe she should have called an ambulance? It had not crossed her mind.

Grissom had decided to remain quiet as well. The cool window felt good against his forehead, and his headache was pounding away. Instead of listening to Sara he listened to the soft sounds coming from the car speakers.

**She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly  
****Off the coast and I'm heading nowhere  
****She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly**

It was likely he had talked in his sleep, he had dreamt about Anna before Sara woke him up. Dreamt was probably too nice of a word. Would Sara let it go? It seemed like every time she got a piece of knowledge about him she turned into a bloodhound seeking to find everything out. Had he given her enough warning that this subject was one he did not want to discuss, ever. It was in the past and it had to stay in the past.

Why had he thought of Anna? She had not crossed his mind in years. Not since he ran into her father, who had almost knocked Grissom's head off when he saw Grissom. If it had not been for Brass who quickly moved in between Grissom and Anna's father, Anna's father would have punched Grissom. Grissom knew he would have done nothing to stop the older man from hitting him. Brass had asked who that man had been, and Grissom just said a victims father from his days in Minneapolis. Brass had been wise enough not to ask anymore questions. Instead the two had moved to a different bar to continue their night out after a difficult case.

Anna had been Grissom's everything when he lived in Minneapolis. She was the woman of his dreams, or so he had thought. He loved her completely and openly. More openly than he ever had thought possible. She was a prosecutor for the state, fresh out of law school. They had meant when Grissom was testifying for his first case, and it was almost like love at first sight. He asked her out when the case was over, and she had agreed to go out with him. It was the start of a great relationship between the two.

She got him to open up and talk more than just about work. He always felt at peace when he was with her, and it took only a week before all he wanted to do was be around her whenever he was not working. Her laugh was contagious. She had been a light in a sea of darkness or so he had thought. No matter what happened during shift, no matter how stressed he was, when he got to spend his evenings curled up on a couch, with her next to him, everything felt right. The stress melted away, and the horrors he may have observed during the day were not there taunting him in his thoughts. He loved to run his fingers up and down her arm, the skin smooth and warm to the touch. Sometimes she would giggle because his fingers gently running up and down her arm would tickle her.

Everything had been going great between them. He had plans, his mom was coming to visit for the holidays, and he would introduce the two. Anna and his mom would get along, they shared a love for the fine arts. He had already gotten her fathers permission to ask Anna to marry him. It had been one of the single most nerve wrecking moments of his life. Anna's father had been an Army drill sergeant and sometimes forgot he left the Army years before and become a successful construction business owner. A business he had built up himself, starting as a lonely apprentice and working his way up through the union and eventually breaking out to own his own business that now build hotels, sky scrappers, and many other bit ticket items.

The future was bright for them. After his mom approved of Anna, Grissom would ask her to marry him a few weeks later. He did not want to do it on a major holiday, he wanted to do it in a way that would make it a special day. A day they could celebrate for years to come. He did not care if she wanted children, wanted to move, or whatever she wanted, he would find a way to make it happen. All he wanted was to be with her, and for her to be happy.

**They call her name at 7:30  
****I pace around the parking lot  
****And I walk down to buy her flowers  
****And sell some gifts that I got  
****Can't you see, it's not me you're dying for**

They were fine until they weren't. Anna had been sick for a couple of weeks, and Grissom had urged her to go to the hospital or at least her doctor to see what was wrong. She had finally agreed to take a day off, and go see her doctor. They had made plans to meet at his apartment that night so she could tell him about the doctor, and he could cook for her since she had been so sick recently.

When he arrived home, she was not there. He called her multiple times that night worried about her, but she never answered. It had got to the point that he called the local hospitals just to make sure she was not there. After hours of not hearing from her, he drove to her apartment, and found that she had not been home either. Driving home debated if he should call her parents. Getting home he found he had a message on his answering machine. Pressing play he heard her voice. She told him she was tired and decide to stay at her parents tonight. She would talk to him tomorrow.

He did not sleep that night worried, there was something in her voice. Something was wrong, how sick was she? Did she have cancer? Was there something else seriously wrong? Was she dying? Why did she go to her parents when she had an apartment? Why had she not talked to him? The questions kept him up all night. When shift came it had been a troubling shift. He had lost a body, due to exhaustion and worry about her. It led to him getting into trouble, possibly jeopardizing the promotion that he was likely to receive. Even his mentor Phillip had been disappointed in him. He found the body, but that did not excuse him losing it.

Right before he left work feeling dejected, he was stopped by the receptionist told he had a phone call and it was Anna.

"Can you pick me up at work?" She said, "My mom drove me to the doctor yesterday and my car is still at my apartment."

"Yes." Grissom remember having been a bit too excited. Maybe everything was ok, and she really was just tired.

They had drove in silence for awhile, after he picked her up at work. It was at a red light that she had finally spoke to him. "I'm pregnant."

Grissom did not know what to say, they had used protection, except for a couple of times. For a split second he was happy, "That's great".

"Really?" She said surprised by his reaction.

"Yes. It is a bit sooner than I expected, but we can make it work." He said feeling optimistic about his future. He was going to be father.

"How? With what you make and what I make we barely make enough. Plus we both work so much. How are we going to be able to take care of a child?"

"We will work it out." Grissom said pulling over so they could continue the conversation without the distraction.

"What are you doing?" She said wondering why he was pulling over.

"Just hang on a second." He said putting the car in park, "This was not how I was expecting to ask you, but I already spoke with your father. Will you marry me?"

"What?" She said surprised.

"Anna you make me the happiest I have ever been. Before I meant you I never expected to find someone who I could love as much as I love you. When I am not around you it feels wrong. I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Will you please marry me?"

Anna did not know what to say. She sat quietly for a second and each second that past broke Grissom's heart. "Can I have some time to think about it?" She asked, "I'm not saying no, but the past few days have been full of surprises. I don't want to make any rash decisions."

"Of course." Grissom said all joy leaving his voice, "I wanted to marry you before I knew you were pregnant. I just wanted to wait until I got the promotion."

When they got back to her apartment Grissom walked her inside. He sat on the couch expecting her to sit next to him, as she had often done before. Instead she sat in the chair and looked at him.

"I love you Gil." She said, "But we are still so young, and have so much of our life ahead of us. I just started my career, and you are advancing in your career."

He knew than she was going to break his heart, she was going to rip it out of his chest while it was still beating, and she was going to stomp on it. He knew this was something he would never recover from, something that would define him for the rest of his life. The one time he had allowed himself to be open with another human being, and to love her unguardedly and she was going to throw it all back in his face.

"We cannot have a kid. It would kill both our careers." She continued to speak, "And I am not sure if I ever want to have a child."

"What are you saying?" He asked fearing the answer, but he needed a second to let it sink it before she said it.

"I already made an appointment to have an abortion."

"Before we even talked about it?" Grissom said feeling as if his heart would stop at any second. Her fingers were already squeezing it so tight.

"Yes. It is my body, my decision."

"What about what I think?"

"You are not going to have to carry it for nine months."

"So I have no say in this."

"No you don't. I'm sorry." Anna said looking at him.

"What does your mom think about this?"

"She thinks I have the flu, and that is all she needs to know."

"Are you sure this is what you want?" Grissom said, his eyes closed because he could not look at her. Tears threatened to leak out from under his closed eyelids.

"Yes. It is what is best for both of us Gil." She said, "We have an entire life ahead of us, and a child just is not feasible right now."

"When is the appointment?"

"Next Friday."

"I'll get the day off so I can take you."

"You don't have to."

"You'll need someone to drive you home."

"Thank you Gil." Anna said getting up to hug him, "I'm sorry."

"Your body, your decision." He said hugging her back.

**She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly  
****Off the coast and I'm heading nowhere  
****She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly**

The week passed and they spent time together, but it was not like it was before. Grissom did not push her for an answer regarding his marriage proposal. He already knew the answer was likely going to be no. There was nothing he could do to change her mind, he had tried a few times, but that resulted in them fighting. He gave in, and decided it was just enough to be around her for now. Though being around her no longer was the same. The happiness she brought him was missing.

Having asked for three days off had raised some questions from Phillip, but Grissom had more than enough vacation time saved up that it had not really been a problem. Phillip had just worried about why Grissom needed the time off. Grissom lied to him, he said he was taking Anna on a mini vacation. They were going to a bed and breakfast for the weekend. Phillip had accepted the answer and asked Grissom if it was going to be the weekend he asked her to marry him finally. Grissom responded he was not sure yet. No one needed to know he had already asked Anna to marry him, and she had pretty much said no without having said the actual word.

He waited for her to finish with her appointment. Sitting in the waiting room he was uncomfortable waiting for her to walk out, knowing the child they had made by accident would be no more. Would their relationship survive this?

When she came out the nurse had spoken to him. She told him what to expect, and gave him more information on how to take care of Anna while she recovered. The nurse had been kind, and did not seem to judge him. It was not his decision. He took her back to her apartment, and she asked him to spend the night on the couch, that she did not feel clean enough to have him in her bed.

He agreed, but he would have probably slept on the couch because he was not sure he could be around her. Throughout the night he checked on her, and she said very little to him.

The next morning she said she was fine, that he should go back to his apartment. They could talk later about his proposal.

His anger was too much, she had made a decision for the both of them, and he had stood by her. But now it was over, he was not sure he could stand by her anymore. It was in that second of hurt, he made a decision, "Don't worry about it. I think we should take some time apart anyways."

She had agreed with him, he hated himself to this day for what he had done, and he still had anger towards her for what she had done. He left his key on the table that day, and he left her apartment knowing it was over, they were over.

**As weeks went by it showed that she was not fine  
****They told me son it's time to tell the truth  
****And she broke down and I broke down  
****Cause I was tired of lying**

It had been a month since he last heard from Anna. He called her throughout the week after the abortion to make sure she was physically ok. The following week she showed up at his, returning his key and grabbing her things she had left behind. They had dinner together and said their goodbyes.

Things were slowly returning to normal, or at least he made it seem like everything had returned to normal. There had been a week or two of his moodiness that Phillip had picked up on, and some talked of his breaking up with Anna, but no one spoke directly to him about it. He actually had a few offers for dates from some of the women in the office. He politely declined them all. No one knew what had occurred between Grissom and Anna, but that did not stop them from speculating.

He returned to hiding inside himself, keeping almost completely to himself, and rarely speaking to anyone unless it had to do with work. It was in the middle of a shift when his world once again came crashing down around him.

Phillip had found Grissom working in the lab processing some evidence. "Gil can you come to my office?"

Grissom looked up from his work and wondered why Phillip was calling him into his office. Had he done something as stupid as losing a body again? He had been extremely careful this time. "Ok."

"Close the door." Phillip said once Grissom entered his office. "Have a seat please." Phillip indicated on the couch.

Grissom sat down wondering what was going on. Phillip was being weird, and it made him uncomfortable.

"Gil I have some bad news and I'm not really sure how to tell you." Phillip said taking a seat on a chair he pulled over to sit in front of Grissom. "We received a call on a suspicious death. It was at Anna's apartment."

"Is Anna ok?" Grissom asked feeling his chest tighten as he knew the answer but he would not accept it.

"No she's not. " Phillip said, "The initial cause of death is suicide."

Grissom closed his eyes and felt the world fall out from under him.

"It looks like she like she overdosed on valium." Phillip said. "I hate to ask, but when was the last time you two spoke?"

Grissom took a few seconds to collect himself. Softly he answered, "It has been over a month."

"Her father is raising hell." Phillip said, "He does not accept the cause of death. He wants an investigation, and as you know he has some powerful friends."

"When do they want to talk to me?" Grissom asked knowing the police would want to interview him. He was the ex-boyfriend and the most likely suspect.

"As soon as you are ready." Phillip said, "They agreed to do it here, in my office. With me present."

"I did not do anything." Grissom said.

"I know. She committed suicide, the evidence is strong. They are just investigating."

"I need to get some coffee and than I'll be ready." Grissom said.

"How about you wait here. I'll go get you a cup of coffee and bring the detective in too."

"Ok." Grissom said studying his hands for no reason other than it would keep his emotions in check.

When Phillip returned he brought a detective with him.

"Thank you for agreeing to talk to us Mr. Grissom." One of the detectives said studying Grissom.

"Please call me Gil."

"Gil when is the last time you spoke with Ms. Duritz?" The same detective spoke.

"It has been a month."

"You two were previously dating?"

"Yes." Grissom answered.

"Why did you break up?"

Phillip spoke before Grissom could, "Is that really relevant?"

"It's ok Phillip." Grissom said, "We sort of broke up with each other. We decided we needed time apart."

"How did that make you feel?" The detective asked noting the pain in Grissom's face.

"It hurt. But we needed some time apart."

"Did you know she recently had an abortion?" The detective said, having already attended the autopsy that revealed the recent abortion.

"Yes." Grissom said noticing Phillip of shock.

"Was it your child?"

"Yes." Grissom said. "We were monogamous."

"Was it a mutual decision to abort the child?"

"No. Anna chose not to have the child. I supported her decision."

"So you did not agree with her?"

Phillip spoke up in Grissom's defense, "I thought these were routine questions. The girl committed suicide."

"I have to be through Dr. Gerard." The detective answered.

"No I did not agree with her decision, but it was her decision to make. I supported her through it."

"Did you kill her?"

"No I did not kill her. I did not know anything was wrong until Phillip told me a few minutes ago."

"Where were you last night between 11 pm and 5 am?"

"I was here at work. I got called in to help the night shift with a case."

"Does that happen often?" The detective asked.

"They were shorthanded due to a couple of members of the shift being sick with the flu that is going around. I try to get as many hours as I can for the experience." Grissom answered.

"Can anyone collaborate?"

"The night shift supervisor. I worked with him all night. Adam Geffen is the night shift supervisor."

"Ok. Thank you for your time Gil." The detective said satisfied he had done enough to keep his Captain off his back. It was an obvious suicide, but people with money and friends in power could get any obvious suicide investigated.

After the detective left Phillip told Grissom, "Take the rest of the day off. If you need more time let me know."

"Thank you Dr. Gerard. I would like to stay on though."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

**She's alone, I'm alone  
****And now I know it  
****She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly  
****Off the coast and I'm heading nowhere  
****She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly**

"Hey Griss we are here." Sara said getting out of the car to go get help.

Grissom looked at her taken from his thoughts. He watched her walk inside, and come back out with a person in scrubs and a wheelchair.

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A/N: The song is Brick by Ben Folds Five.


	7. Chapter 6: Long Long Time

**A/N: You all are awesome thanks for the reviews! The song featured in this section comes to you by the way of my Mother who sat me down and made me listen to Linda Ronstadt with her on my record player (you know actual records). **

**Torcan I almost used Cold Cold Heart for this chapter, but the version I have is by Norah Jones (you know chicks dig Norah Jones and you got to keep the chicks happy -kidding that is so wrong to write my mother and GF would smack me for writing that). Long Long Time just seemed much more depressing, but that could just be Linda Ronstadt. **

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**Chapter 6: Long Long Time by Linda Ronstadt**

Sara was shocked by how quick they had rushed Grissom back into a room in the emergency department at the hospital. They did not allow her to go back with him, instead, she was asked to sit out in the waiting room until a doctor came to talk to her.

The first thing she did was call Catherine and update her on Grissom's status. Catherine was worried, but they were busy with cases, so she asked to be kept informed. If it was something serious than she would tell the team.

Sara had agreed with Catherine's plan. All idea of leaving, of quitting, had been forgotten as Sara waited to hear something about Grissom's status. It seemed like an eternity but really was 2 hours later when a doctor finally came out looking for Grissom's family.

Instead of explaining she was a friend, if that was what she was to Grissom, she let the doctor call her Mrs Grissom. It was the best way to get information about Grissom status.

"Mrs Grissom come with me please." The doctor said leading Sara back to a little conference room.

Sara had been worried walking the entire way. The doctors poker face was as good as Grissom. Was Grissom ok? Was he dead? Death seemed unlikely, the man was just sick.

Once inside the room the doctor began to explain, "Your husband had what we call a

Transient ischemic attack, a TIA. It is a mini-stroke, and often is an indicator of a more serious stroke occurring in the near future. From talking to your husband he had what presented like a migraine, and it very likely may have been one, however, transient ischemic attack presents with a headache, dizziness, vision changes, confusion, and numbness. You husband had all of these symptoms. I believe he fell it was likely when the attack occurred."

He had been sick the entire time. Sara was appalled with herself for not being nicer to Grissom earlier, and for not forcing him to come to the hospital sooner and most of all for not making him tell her what was wrong with him. He was sick at the office, and she let her anger at him blind her judgment.

"Will he recover? Is there lasting damage? I don't understand he did not have the symptoms of a stroke. …"

The doctor let her ramble for a few seconds and when she finished he explained, "A TIA resolves itself and leaves almost no lasting damage. So there is no lasting damage. He will need to make some changes to his life style, including seeing his family doctor more often. In addition, he will need to start taking blood pressure medicine, and possibly taking antiplatelet medicine such as warfarin. Right now I have prescribed him blood pressure medicine and to take a daily dose of baby aspirin, which is an anticlotting medicine, but not as troubling as something like warfarin."

"So he'll be ok?" Sara still could not wrap her head around the fact Grissom had a mini-stroke and would be ok

"Yes. He could go home tonight if I were to release him. While it's a serious warning sign, the condition itself is not overly dangerous. As long as he makes the life style changes, and takes the medicine, he will likely not have a stroke. His family doctor will want to do some follow up test, and keep an eye on him because it is possible in the future he could have a stroke and/or heart attack. But as I said, with the medicine it is unlikely."

"He could go home tonight?"

"Yes, but I want to keep him. He also was dehydrated, and we have him on a drip for that. It was good you brought him in. Most people ignore the TAI and go on to have the a stroke within months or even weeks."

"When will he be able to go back to work?"

"He is a supervisor right?" The doctor asked looking at Grissom's medical history that had been in the hospital computer from when he had his surgery on his ear.

"Yes. He is a crime scene investigator."

"Well he should be able to return to work than in 24 hours. After a little rest, he should not have any trouble. If he was working construction or some other extremely manual labor job than I would want him to rest a bit longer." The doctor stated knowing this often shocked patients that their loved one could return to work so soon after this medical emergency.

"When can I see him?"

"Now if you wish. I can have a nurse take you to his room. When I left him he was resting."

"And you told him all of this already?" Sara asked.

"Yes." The doctor said, "He promised to make an appointment with his family doctor tomorrow."

"Thank you." Sara said still confused by Grissom's condition.

As soon as the doctor left, Sara deiced to fill Catherine in on Grissom's condition. She had weighed the option of not telling Catherine, as Sara knew Grissom probably wanted to keep it private. However, Sara thought Catherine needed to know, it may not have been her place, but people cared about Grissom and they needed to know he was ok.

When the nurse came Sara hung up from Catherine and followed the nurse to Grissom's room. At the door Sara noticed Grissom appeared to look a lot better than he had when she brought him in.

When Grissom noticed Sara he shifted to sit up in the bed a bit more, not sure what she knew, "You are still here?"

"Of course. Did you think I was just going to drop you off and take off?"

Grissom had thought just that. He did not understand why Sara had waited.

"I spoke with the doctor. He thought I was your wife." Sara said softly, "He said you are going to be ok as long as you make some changes."

"I already talked to him." Grissom said not sure if he was upset about Sara knowing what happened. He decided he was not after all; he would have ignored it all if it had not been for Sara making him go to the hospital.

"So are you feeling better? You look better."

"yes I do feel better." Grissom said, "You told Catherine?"

"Yes."

Grissom had expected it after Sara showed up to his room and told him the doctor had told her everything. "You want to have that talk now?"

"It can wait." Sara said knowing Grissom should rest.

"I owe you an apology. I truly never meant to hurt you Sara." Grissom said starting the conversation despite Sara's insistence it could wait. He knew it was now or never, Sara truly meant to leave this time, she probably meant to leave previous time too. However, this time seemed different because he was not sure he could talk her out of it. "I did not fully realize how much I was hurting you and being disrespectful. You are a good CSI, one of the best. Any lab in the world would be lucky to have you."

Sara wanted to smile when he said she was a good CSI and any lab would be lucky to have her, she knew he meant it.

"I will put in for a transfer to a different shift. If it is what is necessary for you to stay." He truly hoped that was not the route she wanted to go, but if it was Grissom would move shifts. "I do not want you to leave. But if you decide you must, I will also be willing to write you a letter of recommendation. But I really do not want you to leave."

Since Grissom insisted on talking, Sara asked, "Why?"

Grissom was confused, "Why what?"

"Why do you not want me to leave?"

She had him in a corner and he knew it. He could say the lab needs her, and she would leave likely. Or he could tell the truth, that he wants her, he just does not know how or if he could actually be with her the way she deserves. That he is a broken shell of a man, and she deserves someone better. Choosing her felt like choosing between everything he had left in his life (his job) and choosing an uncertain future that would likely end in pain he swore he'd never feel again.

If the situation were different, Sara would have laughed as she watched Grissom struggle for words. He would look like he was getting ready to speak, open his mouth to say something, and than close it without saying a single word.

"I…" Grissom started, "The lab needs you."

"The lab will survive just fine without me." Sara replied her disappointment clear.

"Sara I don't know what you want me to say." Grissom said, "I don't know what to say without hurting you or giving you false hope."

"How about you tell me the same thing you told Lurie."

Grissom was shocked, how had she known what he had told Lurie?

Sara saw his surprise; "I was standing on the other side when you were interrogating him with Brass."

What were his options now? He could tell Sara he meant none of it, or he could tell her that it was all true. It was true he was too scared to open up to her because she would find someone better. Once she knew him she would see he was broken, and no one wanted a broken toy. He was not even sure he was capable of loving someone else anymore.

"I meant what I said Sara." The truth shall set you free, whoever said that was never in the same situation Grissom found himself in, but mostly the truth was easier than lying.

"That I was not worth the risk."

"Yes." Grissom answered, "Sara you do not even know who I am, and you claim to care about me to want to be with me. But you don't know me."

"Because you won't let anyone know you Grissom." Sara snapped, she had been trying to keep her emotions in check. A fight was the last thing Grissom needed. "You run away and hide all the time. You try not to feel anything. Feeling is life Grissom. Not letting people know you means you will die alone, unknown, and unhappy. I know that is not what you want. Why is it so hard for you to open up just a little to people?"

"The problem is you don't mean people, you mean you. Why won't I open up to you."

"That's a nice starting place." Sara said lowering her voice to hide the anger she felt.

"I can't."

"I know." Sara said, "you've said that a million times. But why?"

"I don't know." Grissom said.

"Well when you do find me and let me know." Sara said, "Get some rest Griss."

"Sara…" Grissom called to her before she left the room.

"Yes?" Sara said turning around.

"Please don't go."

"Please don't go now? Or please don't go at all."

"Both." Grissom answered.

"I cannot keep doing this Griss. I am not like you. I cannot just shut my emotions off."

Grissom wished he could tell her he would try, try to let her in, try to change, try to show her how much he cared, but they both knew he would only say it to keep her near. He would try for a bit, and he would fail. He knew it was best for him to let her go. She needed to move on, but he was too selfish to let her walk away. "The team needs you. I'll move to day shift or swing. No reason for you to leave."

"Griss I'm going. I hope you feel better soon." Sara said leaving the room before he could change her mind. As she left the room she called back truly wishing it for him, "Have a nice life Griss."

* * *

When Sara got home she felt drained and she wanted to sleep, but she knew it was the last thing that would happen tonight. Instead she plugged her iPod into the doc, and grabbed her laptop. It was time to find another as far away from Las Vegas as she could. The plan of attack was simple, email her old boss maybe she could get that job back, make a list of cities/states she wanted to live in, and check to see if they had openings.

The music filtered into the room from her iPod doc speakers while she worked on emailing her former boss in San Francisco.

**Love will abide, take things in stride  
****Sounds like good advice, but there's no one at my side  
****And time washes clean love's wounds unseen  
****That's what someone told me, but I don't know what it means.**

Dear former boss, please take me back. My current boss, well I came to Vegas in hopes of having a life with him, but he is an emotionally stunted 50 year old man who acts like a child. I would say my mom warned me to stay away from men like this, but well my mom was never around to warn me about these men.

She decided that probably was not the best email to send to her former boss asking if she could get a job back at that lab. Deleting the email she leaned back on the couch and decided to listen to the music. Which was the worse idea she ever had. Her iPod was out to get her. Why did it have to play this song of all songs?

**Cause I've done everything I know to try and make you mine  
****And I think I'm gonna love you for a long long time**

Maybe she could write Grissom a letter, and than the guys in the lab a letter. She did not want the guys blaming Griss for her leaving. It was not completely Grissom's fault. As a grown woman she should have moved on a long time ago, when Grissom made it clear he was unable or unwilling to love her back. She was not even sure if she loved him. What about him even made her want him?

Dear Griss, you are an asshole and you broke my heart. Sincerely Sara. Probably not the best letter, but she knew again, she could not blame Grissom for all of this. He may have toyed with her heart on a few occasions, and the invite to Vegas was misleading. If she had known this was what she was coming to Vegas for, the loneliness, the heartbreak, she would have stayed in San Francisco.

Maybe a letter to the guys would be easier to write.

_ Dear Nick, Greg, and Warrick,_

_ By now you guys may have heard I will not be returning to work. I am sorry I did not get a chance to say goodbye to each of you. You guys are like the brothers I never had. I have to leave, and it is for the best. I need to start new somewhere else. I will contact you all when I settle down somewhere, and you all will have to come visit! _

_ I do not want you all to blame Grissom for my leaving. Nick and Greg, this is for you, I know you will blame him. It is not his fault. I swear I am not leaving because of something Grissom did/didn't do or say. I am leaving because I need to move on and I think I want to finish my graduate degree. Try to be kind to Grissom he is going through something's, and he needs friends, even if he acts like he does not. _

_Sincerely,_

_Sara_

It seemed ok, she wanted to go back and read it tomorrow. She would email the guys once she settled somewhere, and explain everything a bit more. Now a letter for Grissom.

_ Dear Grissom,_

_ The other envelope has my letter of resignation in it. Please pass that onto whoever needs it. I am sorry for not giving more notice, but I cannot do this anymore. Please do not blame yourself. You are partly at fault, yes, but I am also at fault. I let the guys know this without giving them much detail about why I was leaving. I don't want them to blame you for my departure. I truly hope that you can one day find someone who loves you, and you can love them back. I had hoped it would be me, but I understand now it will never be. You could never quite explain the why, but I understand that it is, and some things just are. _

_ Please do me one favor. Next time you come across a love struck female, please do not toy with her like you have me. No one deserves the pain that you caused by trying to keep ahold of me and yet keep me at a distance. I know you did not do it on purpose, and I honestly can say I will forgive you in time. I know I should have known better. _

_ You asked me why I even choose you to like. It caught me off guard. However, I have the answer now, or sort of an answer. I know now that you are a good man, despite your flaws. In San Francisco when I first meant you, it was a bit of a schoolgirl crush. Even when I first moved to Vegas it was a bit of a schoolgirl crush. However, that changed when I saw how excited you got about things. The cockroaches you raced, the way your face lit up like a little boy at Christmas made me care for you even more. How you felt about your bugs, even though at first I thought they were disgusting, you made me want to learn about them. The passion you had for what we do, for solving a case, following the evidence until it all made sense. That endeared you to me even more. I saw you care, when you thought no one was looking. Occasionally, I saw emotions you tried to hide. I know you feel things, and you care, but for some reason you seem them as weaknesses. They aren't. Emotions are what make us who we are, just try to feel them some time, you are human after all. _

_ The moment I knew I would probably never stop caring about you was the moment you showed up to pick me up after my almost DUI. The way you held me that night and told me everything would be fine. I knew you felt something for me, but I could not understand why you could not let yourself feel it. I still do not, and I have accepted I never will. _

_ I realized recently that I have to leave. I wish I could say it was everything finally building up but it not. What really made me realize I needed to leave was a slow boil that started when I listened to a Ted X talk about the question Are you human, by Ze Frank. The last questions at the end made me realize it was time for me to build futures without you because I would never be able to build a future with you. _

Maybe that was the letter she wanted to send?

**Caught in my fears  
****Blinking back the tears  
****I can't say you hurt me when you never let me near  
****And I never drew one response from you….  
****Cause I've done everything I know to try to make you mine  
****And I think it's gonna hurt me for a long long time.**

* * *

**A/N:This will be it for a couple of weeks (I write this and realize this is rarely true, but it might be this time). You all have caught up to what I have managed to get out of my head into a word document. Job market opened which means no hiding if I want a TT job next year. Writing cover letters, teaching statements, and research statements is hard and depressing.**

**ALSO THANK YOU FOR READING!**


	8. Chapter 7: Sacrifice

**A/N: I am extremely sorry for the delay in writing! Sorry job market, dissertation, teaching, and getting an invited book chapter done have taken over my life. If it does not have to do with criminological theory it does not seem to exist in my world. It probably will be another 2 weeks before the next chapter is up. I truly am sorry folks. I know where I want to go, have it mapped out in my head, and just finding the time to write this (and not feel guilty for not working) is the issue. **

**Anyways, I hope you all stay with it (and hopefully the wait is worth it), and as always I am extremely grateful for the reviews. **

**Song is by Finger Eleven and the mentioned Ted talk is worth watching if you have not already. **

* * *

**Chapter 7: Sacrifice**

"Welcome back Griss." Catherine said hugging the night shift supervisor when she saw him enter the building.

"Thanks." Grissom said expecting Catherine to give him hell for coming back to work so soon. Clearly he thought too soon.

"Should you be back so soon after?"

"Yes the doctor cleared me and I have an appointment tomorrow with my doctor to get a check up, and set up any future appointments." Grissom said, "really I am fine. You can call the ER doc if you don't believe me."

"Ok." Catherine said still worried about Grissom

"How is the Howard case going?"

"No idea. Nick was working on it a bit last night I think. Brass said he'd call you to see how you were doing and maybe go over some of the new stuff with you."

"Thanks Cath. I'll give him a call before I pass out assignments. Can you let me know when everyone gets in for shift?" Grissom asked happy to be back at work.

"Sure." Catherine said studying Grissom just to make sure he really was ok. He seemed ok.

Grissom walked into his office and he saw both envelopes sitting on his desk. One was addressed specifically to him and the other envelope was blank on the front. Dread overcame him because he knew one of those was Sara's resignation letter. He had spent the day trying to figure out a way to get Sara to stay, and he knew there was little he could do, short of opening up to her. That did not seem like an option, as it was too dangerous, for him.

Before he could open the letter from Sara his phone rang. The display told him it was Brass. He knew he needed to answer this call. Putting the letter down he dragged his finger across the screen to answer.

"Hello."

"You at the office?" Brass asked, the sound of traffic in the background.

"Yes."

"Did your doctor clear you?"

"Does anyone not know about my incident?" Grissom asked feeling as if his privacy had been invaded.

"Catherine told me. I don't think she told the team yet." Brass said.

"How is the case going?"

"It is moving slowly." Brass said.

"That way my not so subtle way of asking for an update." Grissom answered back feeling annoyed by Brass. More annoyed that Brass had called before Grissom had a chance to read the letter from Sara.

"You were right about the neighbor. I don't like him for it."

"Any evidence to support that?"

"His alibi is solid." Brass said giving the details he knew Grissom would want, "During the time of death window, the neighbor was out of town with his wife. They were in Los Angels having dinner."

"Did the wife know about the affair?" Grissom asked.

"No. Still doesn't. He also did not know why anyone would want to have the Howards murdered. He suggested maybe it was something Mark was into at the bank."

"Any evidence of that?" Grissom asked.

"No. The co-workers did not seem to have any idea why anyone would harm the Howards."

"I would like to talk to a few of his co-workers. Maybe the neighbor is onto something. Whoever killed the Howards saved Mark for last, and they wanted him to see them torture his family."

"We can do it first thing in the morning." Brass said. "If you are up for it?"

"I am fine." Grissom said trying to keep his anger in check.

"Ok. If you say so." Brass replied, "I will pick you up in the morning than."

* * *

It did not take long for everyone to notice Sara was missing from the before shift meeting. Grissom explained that she had requested the day off, and possibly a bit of more time off. He had not known Sara had already informed the guy she was leaving. If he had been more aware of his team he would have known they already knew she quit because he was receiving glares from both Nick and Greg. Warrick decided not to take sides.

After giving assignments, Grissom asked Nick to update him on the Howards case, as that was going to be Grissom main focus all night. Nick coldly updated him and left on his new case without so much as a word about Sara.

Grissom rushed back to his office after the meeting and decided to take a few moments of time to read Sara's letter before he started working on the Howards case again.

Opening the letter addressed to him he read it. Each word felt like a stab to the heart, as he read about exactly how much he had hurt her. She was stronger than he could ever hope to be, and this letter proved that. Quickly he Googled the Ted X talk she had mentioned in her letter, as being the catalyst for her decided it was time to leave.

"Are you human?" He laughed at the title, not a laugh that meant it was funny, but a bitter laugh because it was the very question Sara had asked him on more than one occasion. Listening to the talk, he laughed at the start, it proved he was human. It was not until the end he saw exactly what Sara had mentioned. It was these words that made him realize exactly what he was losing when Sara choose to leave:

_Have you ever had a conversation with yourself and suddenly realized you're a real asshole to yourself?_

_Has your phone ever run out of a battery in the middle of an argument, and it sort of felt like the phone was breaking up with both of you?_

_Have you ever thought that working on an issue between you is futile because it should just be easier than this? Or this is supposed to happen just naturally?  
Have you ever realized very little in the long run just happens naturally?_

_Have you ever been woken up blissfully and suddenly been flooded by the awful remembrance that someone has left you?  
Have you ever lost the ability to imagine a future without a person that no longer way in your life?_

_Have you ever looked back on the event with the sad smile of autumn, and the realization that future will happen regardless?_

_Congratulations you have now completed the test you are all human. _

He knew he needed to work on the Howards case, so much time had passed by since their deaths, but it was now or never. If he did not go find Sara now, she would be gone tomorrow, and any future with her, no matter what the future would hold, would be impossible. There would be no Sara in his life, and that was something he was not sure he was ready to for. Time would go on, but he was not sure it was a life he wanted to live.

"Catherine." Grissom called her name as soon as he was out of his office. He almost ran into Warrick who was bringing him a cup of coffee.

"She's in the lab." Warrick said moving back before Grissom could rush into him. "you ok?"

"Fine." Grissom said rushing to the lab to find Catherine. As soon as he got the door open he called, "Can you cover for me for a bit?"

"Yes. You ok?" Catherine asked worried about her friend.

"Fine. I just need to go handle something."

"Go. If anything new comes in I'm sure we can handle it."

This was probably the most unprofessional thing Grissom had done since being in Vegas. Leaving in the middle of his shift to go find someone who he cared about, to tell her he cared about her, that he needed her.

* * *

The second most unprofessional thing he had done was ask one of the techs to track Sara's phone when he found out she was not home. Now, standing in front of the window of the bar, he felt a weird sensation, standing outside looking in through the window at her. She was flirting with another man, a man that was not him. He allowed himself for a second to imagine if it had been him, instead of the other guy she had been flirting with. At one time he could have been that man, but he screwed that up. Too scared to open again to anyone because he knew where that would end.

Despite his feelings about her and his active imagination, he came here for a purpose. Opening the door to the bar he walked inside looking around out of pure habit. No one he knew would be there because he did not know very many people outside of work. Walking up next to her he tapped her on the shoulder.

Sara turned and was surprised to see Grissom standing over her.

**These things are eventual and I can't be to careful  
****There's nothing more gradual than I what choose to show  
****And you've been patient with me alright  
****But does that end tonight**

Seeing he had her attention he asked over the music, "I need to talk to you and you were not answering."

"Typically when people don't answer the phone that means they either do not want to talk to you or they are busy. Either option works here. I know as a sub-human you probably do not understand what that means." Sara replied, clearly drunk and without a filter to stop her from letting her anger out.

Grissom took the insult and said nothing regarding it. He knew he deserved it and much worse. However, it hurt him because he had expected some sympathy because of his scare the night before, and it was clear drunk Sara was not going to give him any.

"Can we please go somewhere else to talk?" He called over the music.

"No I'm good here." Sara said turning away from him going back to the other guy she had been talking to.

Grissom stood behind her at the bar for a minute before he decided what to do next. He once again tapped her on the shoulder to get her attention. When she turned to him again he said, "Please we really need to talk."

"Griss you are not my boss anymore so I don't give a damn what you think we need to do." Her words were coming out much easier than they may have previously.

The stranger she had been talking to decided it was time to step in, "Is he bothering you?"

"Yes." Sara said, "I'm trying to have a good time with…" she laughed, "Sorry I forgot your name."

"Jared."

"Yes I'm trying to have a good time talking with James here…"

The guy interrupted, "Jared,"

"Jared James same difference, And you keep interrupting it Griss. Time for you to go."

Grissom did not walk away, instead he started to talk to Sara again, "Come on Sara let me take you home and we can talk later today." He had his hand on her arm but she yanked it away.

Jared decided to stand up and handle the annoying dude who was cock blocking him. "Time for you to go. The lady already told you."

Grissom shook his head, the last thing he wanted to do was get into a bar fight. "Sara please." He tried again getting her attention.

Jared grabbed Grissom hand off Sara and pushed Grissom back away from them. "Leave before I make you leave."

Sara said, "Leave him alone James. He was sick yesterday. Almost had a stroke."

"Just trying to protect you." Jared said annoyed with both the man who was cock blocking him, and the woman who clearly could not remember his name.

Grissom refused to leave Sara with this dick. "Sara please come with me. This is not you."

"Grissom you don't even know who I am to tell me whether or not this is me. Not that you ever cared to get to know me." Sara said ignoring the fact that Mark now stood between her and Grissom.

"James can you believe this man." Sara said looking at Grissom while she spoke, "I threw myself at him. Gave him multiple chances, I left my home for him, and he wanted nothing to do with me."

"He must be an idiot." Jared said to Sara, "You want me to gently escort the old man out?"

"Yes please." Sara said turning back to her drink. In her mind James would just walk Grissom outside and that would be the end of that.

"You heard the lady." Jared said pushing Grissom again.

Grissom was not leaving without Sara. She was too drunk, and someone like Jared would take advantage of that. He knew the Sara he cared about would regret it in the morning. "I'll leave if she leaves."

"Not going to happen." Jared said, "That leaves us with two options, either you turn around and leave or I'll make you leave. If I were you I'd take the first option."

Grissom stood his ground, "Sara please. You don't have to leave with me, just leave go home."

"I'm having too much fun Grissom." Sara said downing another shot.

Grissom tried to walk towards Sara only angered Jared. While Grissom was trying to get Sara's attention he failed to notice that Jared had enough with him. Jared's fist connected with Grissom's abdomen knocking the wind out of the scientist and sending him stumbling back and hunching over in pain. It felt like he was dying, he could not breathe, he was trying to breathe but nothing was happening. He looked like a fish out of water trying to gasp for oxygen that refused to enter his body. When it finally did Grissom sucked in breath after breath trying to ignore the pain in his abdomen.

"Come on." Jared said grabbing Grissom's shirt collar and pulling the man towards the exit. Grissom did not offer much of a struggle because he was still reeling from the pain of the gut punch.

Once outside Jared pushed Grissom into the building, sending Grissom's back smashing into the brick building.

"I told you if I had to walk you out you would not enjoy it." Jared said sending a second punch into Grissom's stomach.

This time Grissom bent over in agony and fell to his knees. What little food he had eaten that day came out in the form of vomit all over Jared's Nike shoes. Jared was not very happy about that development.

"Son of a bitch." Jared said kicking Grissom in the side sending the scientist to the ground curling up on his side.

Inside the bar, one of the bartenders spoke to Sara, "You might want to listen to your friend and leave before Jared comes back. Jared's not a nice guy."

Sara was surprised by the bartenders frankness. Where was James anyways. Did he leave with Grissom? Didn't matter, it was time for her to leave anyways. She may have had too much to drink. Paying her bill she left as she was walking out she bumped into Jared coming back in.

"Where you going?"

"I need to go home." Sara said trying to get around the big guy.

"Why don't I drive you." Jared said smiling at her, he was so sure he was going to get some tonight.

"No that's fine. I am actually going to my friends house."

"Not the guy you just had me take out."

"No. My friend Catherine was expecting me." Sara said wondering why she had chosen Catherine.

Jared brought his hand up to pull Sara to him but Sara noticed his knuckles were swollen.

"What happened to your hand?" Sara asked.

"Your friend."

"You hit him?"

"He didn't want to leave. Than the dick puked on me." Jared said looking down at his shoe.

"What! You hit him. Did you hurt him?" Sara asked suddenly worried about Grissom. He had just been at the hospital last night, and now he was getting beat up. This was not good.

"He's fine." Jared said putting his arm around Sara.

"Get off me or I will call the police."

"What?" Jared screeched. "You asked me to make him leave."

"I didn't ask you to beat him up. Where is he?"

"Outside." Jared said.

"Get out of my way." Sara said pushing past Jared.

"Bitch you deserve a pussy like him. You fucking tease."

**I will brave any trial by fire  
****But I'm just not ready to fall through your thin ice  
****I'll explain myself in time  
****But I'm just not ready to make that sacrifice  
****But I'm trying like I said I might**

Sara did not respond she was too worried about Grissom. Looking around the front of the building she did not see him. Walking towards his car parked down the street, she looked in the alley between the bar and the next building and that was when she saw Grissom on the ground curled into himself.

"Griss." She said running to his side, "Can you get up?"

Grissom did not respond for a second he had been curled into a ball trying to protect himself from the onslaught of punches and kicks he received after vomiting on Jared's shoes. The pain from the beating was all he could feel and the blood rushing through his ears was all he heard.

"Come on Griss." Sara said gently touching him, "let me see the damage."

The gentle hands on his back made him relax some, and he uncurled. Looking up he saw Sara.

"Can you stand up?" She asked again her hands gently on his back making a slow rubbing motion as she felt the tremors of pain run through Grissom's back.

"Yeah." Grissom his voice nasally he could taste the metallic taste blood in his throat.

Sara helped him up to his feet and leaning against the building. "I didn't know James was going to do this when I asked him to make you leave."

Grissom would have rolled his eyes but it probably would hurt too much. Leaning against the building he took stock of the pain. His stomach hurt, but he was pretty sure it was just bruised. His nose was bleeding, but he did not think it was broke. He had hit the ground pretty hard with his face, so there were likely a few scrapes on his face too. Straitening out he confirmed his back hurt too, damn kidney kick had been painful. He assessment was he was bruised, but he would survive. He had not taken an ass kicking like that since he was a kid running home from the bullies.

"Come on lets get you to the hospital." Sara said putting her arm around him to steady him.

"Don't need the hospital." Grissom said moving away from Sara.

"Are you sure? After last night…"

"Yes." Grissom replied before she could finish. He was sure he was fine. The doctor had told him he would be fine as long as he sought out treatment.

"You could be seriously hurt." Sara said, "You are bleeding."

"I am fine Sara." Grissom said wanting to walk to his car and leave her behind, but he could not make himself leave that alley without her no matter how much his brain told him he should.

Sara rolled her eyes, "If you won't go to the hospital at least come back to my place so I can clean you up. It's closer to here than your house."

The loud music from the bar filtered out into the night taking up what would have been silence between Grissom and Sara.

**These things are unusual for me I should explain  
****No mind should have ever dreamt of such fictitious pain  
****There is a story in there somewhere  
****But I'm not sure you care**

Grissom stared at her not sure if he wanted to go to her apartment, "Can we talk than?"

"I guess since you took a beating just to talk to me."

"Let's go than." Grissom said moving slowly towards his car.

"Where are you going?" Sara asked having turned the other direction.

"To drive us to your apartment."

"It's just a couple of blocks that way and you are not going to find any closer parking. We can walk." Sara said knowing Grissom was not in the shape to drive.

"Ok." Grissom said walking up next to Sara. They were a right sight to see. He was moving slowly, holding his stomach, and Sara was stumbling and weaving for the couple of blocks it took to get to her apartment.

She led him up the stairs and down the hallway to her apartment. Once inside she said, "Have a seat on the couch let me go get a wash cloth and the first aid kit."

Grissom moved over to the couch and gingerly lowered himself onto the couch. Resting his head back against the couch he realized just how tired he was. He could sleep right now, and probably would not wake until morning.

Sara returned and gently wiped the blood and street grime from his face. Her fingers were gentle and made his skin tingle as she lightly touched his face. She smelt good too. Her breath smelt like a brewery, but her body it smelt like lilacs and maybe sandalwood.

"Am I hurting you?" She asked noticing he was breathing deeply.

"No." Grissom replied.

"I think your nose already stopped bleeding." She said wiping gently under it removing blood. Finishing with cleaning his face she decided to apply some antiseptic to the cuts on his face from the pavement, "Just so it won't get infected." She said wiping the alcohol across the cuts listening to Grissom hiss as he breathed in.

"Ok take your shirt off. I think I have an ice pack in the freezer." Sara stated as she got off the couch, she was ignoring Grissom who looked at her like she had lost her mind.

Returning with the ice pack Sara started at Grissom who still sat in his shirt. "Come on. You promised you'd let me check you over. Take the shirt off so I can make sure you don't have any broken bones."

"I don't." Grissom said not wanting to take his shirt off in front of Sara, at least this was never the way he expected to do so.

"It's the deal. If you want to talk take the shirt off so I can check."

"I thought the deal was since Jared choose to use me as his own personal punching bag with your consent we could talk."

"Well I'm changing the deal." Sara said.

"What is to make me think you won't change the deal again?"

"Griss quit being such a baby and take the damn shirt off." Sara said getting frustrated with him.

Grissom listened this time and slowly unbuttoned his shirt. He held his breath as Sara gentle, smooth fingers brushed over his abdomen, and his side. She was not hurting him, but her touch made his skin burn.

"Just bruised." She said placing the ice pack gently against his stomach, which had the worse bruising. "Going to hurt tomorrow."

"Hurts now." Grissom growled as the ice agitated the bruises.

"Do you want some coffee or water?" Sara said getting away from Grissom.

"Water please."

Sara returned with a bottle of water for Grissom and a cup of coffee for herself. "What did you want to talk about?"

"I have not turned your letter of resignation in yet."

"Why?" Sara asked upset because she was ready to move on. San Francisco had an opening if she wanted it. Something, however, had stopped her from saying yes and finding an apartment in San Francisco.

"I don't want you to leave."

"Why?" Sara asked.

"Because you are a great colleagues, an even better friend, you don't just pick up and leave unannounced like this."

"Griss we are not friends. You made it abundantly clear you wanted nothing to do with me. You just wanted me to follow you around like a lost puppy dog."

The hurt that came through her voice was painful for him to hear. Had he hurt her that much? "That was never my intention…"

"You know it's for the better anyways. Me leaving. I do not want to turn into you Griss. I thought I did, and I thought I wanted you, but I am pretty sure it was the just the idea of you. Getting to know you the past few months made me realize I do not want to be with you or you."

That had hurt, and he had not expected it to hurt this much. The old feeling of someone grasping his heart and squeezing it came back. His chest tightened. "I'm sorry I did not live up to your expectations."

"I do have one question for you." Sara said, "Well two actually. Though if I ask you'll probably just ignore them. So why even bother."

"Sara ask, I'll try to answer them." Grissom said honestly. He hoped he could give her the answer, maybe than he could convince her to stay for the team, for him, for the lab.

"If you wanted nothing to do with me why did you invite me to com to Vegas?"

Grissom looked at her, how could he give her the answer she wanted? What was the answer she wanted to hear? He'd tell her anything. Deciding honesty was the only way he was going to get to her he told her the truth, "When I invited you down here things were not as complicated as when you arrived."

"What does that mean? You always talk in these stupid riddles that mean nothing." Sara said getting annoyed and one step from kicking out the injured man.

"When I invited you down I was not the night shift supervisor. I was just one of the team. By the time you arrived I had been made acting night shift supervisor. When I called you I had every intention of perusing a relationship with you. But when I was appointed as the night shift supervisor I knew any relationship with you would not be possible."

"What do you mean by relationship?" Sara asked knowing she had the upper hand. Grissom was opening up because he had no other choice.

"Friendship maybe something more in time." Grissom answered. He could not tell her he was unwilling to ever love again no matter how much he cared for someone.

Sara shook her head upset that he just wanted to be friends. "So I never had a chance with you?"

Grissom looked at her, he did not want to talk about it. God he wanted to get up and run from this apartment, but he knew if he left she would leave for good. "Not exactly. I care about you Sara, but I would not be good for you. I could not love you like you want me to. You should not care for me, I'm not a good person."

"What makes you such a bad person?"

"Sara I'm a selfish jerk. I find it hard to not chase down whatever catches my fancy at work, and I live for what we do. I do not have room for anyone else in my life. I am married to work, and that is well known. For the longest time I accepted that was my lot in life. I deserved to be alone. "

"Why do you deserve to be alone? And you still have not told me why you are such a bad person other than being a selfish jerk."

"Isn't that enough?" Grissom tried to joke but it clearly was not working. "I only hurt those who care about me, and who I care about. I am not good for people. It is better for everyone if I just focus on work."

"Who says?"

"Everyone." Grissom said, "Like you said I'm not normal, I lack empathy or compassion for others. I am who I am, and I am not going to change. I have tried to change, and it didn't work."

"So I never had a chance?" Sara asked again.

He lowered his head, "I don't know."

"An honest enough answer." Sara said hiding her pain, "Second question."

Grissom wanted to object and say she had quite a few questions already, but he wanted her to stay. However, the question she asked had taken him completely by surprised, it felt as if Jared had punched him in the stomach again when Sara said the name.

"Who is Anna?"

"Sara please." Grissom begged knowing he could not answer this question.

"Who is Anna? Answer it or leave." Sara said noticing that Grissom was uncomfortable again, and she could see he was already struggling with himself wanting to leave.

"If I answer will you stay?"

"Probably not."

"Than why should I answer."

"To show you are willing to try to be open with me. Last time you were here I told you about my family, and you held me and told me everything was going to be ok. Never once have you opened up to me, despite me opening up to you."

"Sara please don't make me answer this question." Grissom begged, and it was a side of him Sara had never seen. He face was open book for her to read, and she saw raw pain in his eyes. It was not the physical pain either, this was a deep emotional pain she was not sure Grissom could ever feel.

"Who is she?"

"Please stay. The team needs you. The lab needs you. I need you."

"How do you need me Grissom?"

"You aren't being fair Sara. You cannot expect me to just…" Grissom did not know what to say, she was not being fair.

"Just what?"

Exasperated beyond a point he had been in his recent past, Grissom spoke again "Yes I want you to stay, in part for me. Did I not make that clear tonight when I let your friend Jared beat me up, just so I could make sure you got home safe." Sighing in order to control his emotion he continued, "You told me a few times that actions speak louder than words. Or does that only apply when my actions are against what you want?"

"Who is Anna?" Sara asked ignoring the question and admission by Grissom.

"I can't."

"Can't or won't?"

"Does it matter?" Grissom said, "No matter what I say or do you are going to leave. I just told you I wanted you to stay for me."

"I know. I heard." Sara said, "But that is not enough. It does not mean anything is going to change. You'll pull me in close to you, and just as soon as I get close you'll push me back out. I am asking you to try to be open with me."

"I have since we got here. I answered your questions."

"Answer my last one."

"If I answer will you stay?" Grissom asked not sure if she said yes he would answer the question.

"I don't know."

"Sara please don't make me." Grissom said wondering when she got all of the power. Cause she could make him, and he would tell her if she said she would stay.

"At least tell me who she is?" Sara gave in, she had never seen this side of Grissom. That one question, Who is Anna, left Grissom wide open to Sara. All his emotions were visible on his face, despite any attempt he may have made to hide them. The raw pain in his voice, a pleading look in his eyes, made Sara want to stop everything and hug him. He was telling her with everything he could he would answer whatever question she wanted, but this one, this was to much. This one questions was painful. Sara felt for him because if anything, she knew Grissom could not deal with emotions, not emotions like these. He hid them, and she used to do exactly the same thing. However, emotions have a way of never going away if you do not deal with them. Emotions don't just not go away, the intensify and grow more painful with each passing attempt to snuff them out. Sara knew that if Grissom gave in, just a bit, she would stay. It was in this moment she knew there was a man there, not just her imagination. A man who had a deep pain, that he had been hiding for who knows how long. It was in that moment Sara saw Grissom, the real Grissom, not just the façade he wore around everyone.

"Who she was." Grissom spoke softly, almost so soft that it was inaudible.

"Was?" Sara said.

"Yes was, as in past tense." Grissom said feeling anger building inside of him. He did not want to open this wound, it was too painful. How dare Sara force him to rip the scab off and let the demons out. He wanted to tell her to go to hell, that no one needed her, that she would be better off somewhere else. His anger was not so much at Sara, but because of the pain, the emotional pain he had tried to keep buried in a nice safe place inside him. However, he knew losing Sara would be as painful. The tightening of his chest at the thought of her leaving told him what he needed to know. The pain from her leaving would be hard to hide away, to ignore.

His chest felt tight, it felt like he couldn't breathe. Was he having another attack? The doctor said it was likely if he did not get treatment, but it was not like it would happen the next day. It would be weeks at the least, and months at the most.

Sara saw Grissom's struggle and became worried, "Griss are you ok?"

It felt like the room was closing in on him, he was struggling to breath. It wasn't an attack, at least not the one he feared, this was a panic attack. He was terrified of telling Sara about Anna, terrified of that wound being opened again.

"Yes." Grissom said struggling to bring his breathing back to a normal rhythm. He closed his eyes and focused on the feeling of Sara's fingers on his wrist, she was checking his pulse.

"Just breath. Do I need to call an ambulance?"

"No." Grissom said, "I'll be fine in a minute."

Sara kept checking his pulse as she saw Grissom begin to relax with each passing minute.

Finally when his breathing was once again under control he said, "I'm trying." He paused for a few seconds, "I have been trying Sara."

"Trying what? To tell me who Anna was?"

"To not push you away." Grissom said, "I can't stop myself. Each time I see you with another man I seethe with jealously. I try to pull you close to me to keep you away from them. I'm not good enough for you, but neither are any of the guys you've been with. The minute you get too close I push you away, and I do it without even thinking. I know I keep hurting you doing this. I can't stop myself. But I will only hurt you Sara. In the long run I will hurt you. I am not good for people. Some people were made to be alone, and I am one of those people."

They sat in silence for a bit at Grissom's admission, "If I promised to try not to hurt you anymore, to just be friends, would you stay?"

"You said yourself you push me away without thinking. What is to stop you from doing it?"

"You can call me on it when I do, and I will stop."

"Why won't you tell me who Anna is?"

"Because she is part of the reason I cannot be with you like you want me to."

"Who was she?"

"Someone who I loved once."

"How did she die?"

"Please." Grissom said getting up. Part of him needed to escape the room, but he knew if he left now Sara would be gone.

"Sit down." Sara said standing up herself and pushing him down by gently pushing his shoulders down, she could feel the warmth of his body on his bare skin.

"Don't make me please." Grissom said.

"I am not making you do anything Griss."

"You are, you are telling me my options are to tell you everything you want to know. To bare everything to you. To tell you something I've never spoken of with anyone before, or let you leave."

"Why do you want me to stay so bad?"

"I care about you Sara." Grissom said, "And the thought of you leaving makes my chest tighten. I do not want to lose you."

"You don't have me Griss. You made it clear that you do not want me."

Grissom was annoyed at that comment, "Sara there is a difference between not wanting someone and knowing you are not right for that person." Grissom said almost in a growl.

He followed that comment in a much lower voice, "I care too much about you to let you be with someone like me."

"Don't you think I should get to make that choice. And how can you know you are not good for me." Sara replied trying to look Grissom in the eyes but he refused to let her see him.

Grissom kept looking at his hands that now sat in his lap, "No. I will not be responsible for hurting another person. I am sorry it has to be that way. I will be your friend. I will do my best to not push you away, or make your life difficult when you find someone else. But I cannot hurt you Sara. I cannot do that to another person."

"Tell me how Anna died?" Sara said knowing this was the root of the problem, she could just feel it, and if she knew the answer than maybe she could get through to Grissom. It was no longer about getting Grissom to open up to her because he did. Now it was about figuring out how to get Grissom to see he is not the horrible person he thinks he is. The person who deserves to spend the rest of his life alone, never letting anyone love him, and quite possibly not even liking himself.

"Please Girss." Sara said grabbing his face and seeing the tears in Grissom's eyes. She gently wiped them away with her hands seeing how surprised he was when she touched him gently.

"She committed suicide." He spoke softly, lowering his eyes from her.

Sara was shocked when Grissom answered her question. Too shock to speak for a few seconds. Finally, she asked, "And you blame yourself?"

"Yes." Grissom answered moving to get up again, but Sara put her hand on his shoulder to keep him in place.

"I am sure it was not your fault."

"You don't mean that. You could very easily see how it was my fault." Grissom said anger blazing through him again. "Anyone could easily see how it was my fault. I'm am an uncaring bastard after all. Mr. Freeze, the Tin man, whatever they are using this week to indicate how unemotional I am."

Sara had been shocked by the anger, it was an emotion she had not expected, "No you are wrong. When someone decides to take their own life it is no one but their own fault that they died."

"I contributed."

"How?"

"I just did." Grissom said not wanting to tell her about the abortion, the rejection, and then his complete abandonment of Anna.

Sara wanted to tell him that they clearly all had been wrong about him not caring, they all had known when they had made those statements they were wrong. No one is unemotional, Griss was just better at hiding it. Instead she asked knowing she was so close to finding out the information needed to help Grissom. "Can you please tell me more?"

"I can't."

"Not to long ago I sat her and told you my horrible past. You told me talking about it would make me feel better. I didn't believe you at the time, but it did make me feel better. Sharing my burdens with you." Sara said shifting course, "I want to do the same for you Gil." She used his name to get her point across. She saw him flinch when she called him Gil. "Please open up to me. Tell me what happened. It will stay between us."

"I need to go." Grissom said standing up again, needed to escape from this place. He quickly pulled his shirt back on.

"Ok." Sara said understanding his need to escape. "Can you call me when you get home so I know you made it ok?"

"Yes." Grissom said shocked that she was fine with him leaving. "Are you leaving still?"

Sara saw nothing but vulnerability from Grissom. He had opened up to her the best he could, and it felt like she was clawing at dirt trying to dig him out of a hole he had dug for himself, and buried himself in. Was it enough? That was what he was asking her. Was this attempt enough to show her he cared, that he was trying to be with her. That he too had demons that haunted him, demons he was not yet strong enough to fight off. It was those demons, this new vulnerability, and everything else that made Sara care for Grissom even more, despite her wishing she could just walk away from him.

The question Sara had for herself was, did she want to help Grissom dig himself out of the hole? Or could she turn her back on him, knowing what little she knows, and letting him continue his life as he had.

"I'll see you at work tomorrow night." Sara said wondering if she was making the wrong decision to stay. It was very likely Grissom would push her away again, and it would hurt all over again.

"I'll throw your letter of resignation away." Grissom said walking towards the door.

"Thank you for telling me Griss."

"I didn't have much of a choice."

"But you did, and that means a lot to me." Sara said, "It shows me how much you care. Even if I felt like I was interrogating a suspect who refused to cooperate."

"I do care about you Sara."

"I know." Sara said, "We can try being friends. You look like you need a friend right now. I'm not going anywhere."

"You promise?" Grissom said, "Because this wasn't the first time you said you were leaving."

"I promise. You see telling people why you cannot be with them, opening up to them, helps them understand."

"Someday I'll try to tell you about her." Grissom said not saying Anna's name. But both occupants of the room knew exactly who he was talking about.

"That would be nice."


	9. Chapter 8: Breathe

**A/N: Sorry job market is killing me. Up to 40 applications and 2 job interviews to date. + actual dissertation and other research work. In other words, I'm truly am sorry my real life is taking up all of my time. I will do my best to keep updating this. **

* * *

**Chapter 8: Breathe **

Grissom called Sara when he pulled into the parking lot of the lab, "I am back at work."

"I thought you were going home." Sara said.

"I need to work tonight." Grissom said, "It's fine. I promise."

"Griss you were just at the hospital yesterday, and today …"

"Sara I am fine." Grissom said stopping her, "The doctor told me I could return to work if I was not tired, and I'm not."

"Just be careful." Sara said knowing she would never talk Grissom into going home.

"You get some rest." Grissom said not sure what else to say. He had promised to try, but it goes against every fiber in his body to try. His mind is screaming he should have let her go, but his heart is telling him letting Sara go would be the single most painful thing he has done to it, ever since...

Grissom walked inside and Catherine of course saw his face.

"What the hell happened to you?"

"I fell. Tripped over a curb." Grissom said trying to make it seem plausible.

"Did you convince Sara to come back this time?" Catherine did not buy his excuse, but decided not to push the subject. Out of character for her, but she was more worried about Sara leaving. She knew if Sara left, it would be a fatal blow to Grissom. He may not know how to be with Sara, but Catherine knew he needed Sara. He needed someone in his life, and Sara was the best candidate.

"How did you know?" Grissom asked.

"She wrote the guys a letter."

"She's coming back tomorrow."

"Good for us. Bad for her." Catherine said.

Grissom caught the bad for her. "I am going to try."

Catherine nodded, she did not believe Grissom would be able to change, but she hoped for Sara's sake he would because Grissom would keep hurting Sara until she finally walked away. She knew Griss was not doing it on purpose, he just was inept when it came to matters of the heart, or emotion, or anything that did not have a purely academic purpose. Despite all of that Catherine knew she cared for him, he was her closest friend. He had always been her rock. In another life she probably could love him, but not in this life. They were just really good friends, and it was time for her friend to find happiness. Even if that happiness meant it could ruin another persons life, hopefully, that would not be the case.

* * *

Grissom worked from his office most of the evening, catching up on the Howard's case. There had been almost no progress in his time away from the lab. Nor was he making much headway in finding any evidence to point towards a suspect. As the dawn approached he continued to work on, not realizing the time as he was wrapped up in his work. This case would get to him, if he let it, and he knew he had to reinforce the wall between him and this case. Sara had chipped away at the wall, he had seen how it hurt her so much to see the horrible things that had been done to these people. It was Sara that made this case hard, how hard it was on her. Not the actual case. The actual case, while horrible, was not the worse Grissom had ever seen. No human can look at the horrific acts and feel nothing, but Grissom learned to quickly feel it and than push it away. The best thing he could do for these people, the victims, now is to work the case in an objective manner. So when they caught the people responsible, the evidence would be there to get the punishment the perpetrator(s) deserved.

None of this was what Grisosm was focusing on or thinking about. His sole focus was memorizing the evidence, trying to piece together a puzzle with a lot of missing pieces. It was his sole focus, so when Eckile walked into the room and started to talk to Grissom about how important it was to find the killers and find them fast, Grissom did not hear a word. However, Eckile had assumed Grissom had listened to him, and so he was happy as he left the room.

It was some time later when Brass walked into the room. After saying hello to his friend and his friend did not respond, Brass knew Grissom was in his own world. Brass thought of Grissom as a friend, and Brass was sure he was the closest thing Grissom had to a friend. Calling to his friend again and getting no response, Brass walked up and gently tapped Grissom to get his attention.

Grissom almost jumped out of his skin, he had been reading the autopsy report and looking over the crime scene photos and was unaware of any of the conversations he may have had in the past couple of hours.

"I called your name first." Brass said with a smile on his face, having seen the fear come over his friend when Brass had pulled him back into the real world. "You were engrossed in that file. Anything good?"

"Not yet." Grissom said setting the photos down annoyed that the puzzle was refusing to go together.

"How are you?"

"I'm fine." Grissom said almost growling he was getting tired of people asking him. It was a scare, but he was doing what the doctor had told him to do. Everything would be fine, he would be fine. Everyone needed to stop asking.

"Ok." Brass said raising his hands, "Someone is in a bad mood."

Grissom ran his hand over his face, "Sorry. I did not mean to snap. "

"You ready to go to the bank?"

"I want to talk to the teller who told you about the Mrs. Howards affair first." Grissom said getting up from the chair he had occupied for hours. He felt his knees and back crack, and in his head he cursed old age.

"I checked and she will be working today so that is possible." Brass said following his friend out of the room, and than out of the building.

Brass decided to wait until he had Grissom trapped in the car, while it was moving so Grissom could not escape before he broached the one subject Catherine had asked him to talk about with Grissom.

They were on a main road on the way to the bank when Brass asked, "How did you talk Sara out of leaving again? I am guessing she did not give you those nice bruises forming?"

"No Sara did not give me the bruises." Grissom said having forgotten about the bruises, the pain seemed to fade away with his focus solely on solving this case. He had hoped his answering one of the two questions would be enough for Brass, but Grissom knew better. Brass would follow up, but a guy could hope right.

"So how did you get her to stay?"

"How did you know she was going to leave?"

"The guys and Catherine told me." Brass answered trying to protect his source.

"Catherine you mean." Grissom knew that meant Catherine she was likely the one who put Brass up to this conversation.

"Nick too." Brass replied honestly. Nick had called him, hoping Brass might be able to talk some sense into Sara if Grissom had failed.

Grissom shook his head, he did not want to talk about his private life with a colleague, "We talked. I told her how she was important to the lab, and she was a critical team member. The team needed her."

"That is it?" Brass said not believing that was enough and the tone of his voice also indicated he knew Grissom was blowing smoke.

Grissom looked out the window, "I offered to move shifts. So she would not have to work with me. So I would not be her supervisor."

That had surprised Brass, but he hid it, "And what did she say?"

"She didn't say she wanted it." Grissom said.

"Would you be willing to actually do it?" Brass asked knowing Grissom enjoyed the night shift. The best cases came in at night. Any other shift would mean having to work around Eckile.

"Yes. It is only fair. I asked her to come down here. She is important for the team." Grissom answered not mentioning that she was important to him, and he would hate moving to any other shift, but he would do it for her. It also gave him a tiny bit of hope, another shift, not being her supervisor would allow him a chance to maybe try. He felt a tiny bit of that same hope he had felt when he asked her to stay, before he was made the permanent nightshift supervisor. However, the honest truth was, fear would overrun hope. Fear that it would all go wrong, she would realize he is not who she thinks he is. That he is not good enough for her, he's too old, too damage, and not really good for her. She would leave him, and he was not sure he could open up one more time to live again, to allow himself to be in the world. If she left him, it would be the confirmation to what he already believed, that he was not good enough for anyone. Confirmation that he deserved to be alone, and the most damaging that he, the man he was, was not deserving of love, that he truly was meant to live alone because he did not deserve to even have the life he had. That he did not deserve to live.

"I am glad she is staying." Brass said seeing a darkness come over Grissom, he had no idea what the other man was thinking, but Brass decided it was time to allow him off the hook.

The rest of the ride in the car was in silence, the sound of Vegas around them being the soundtrack for their ride to the bank.

* * *

Grissom and Brass were waiting in a conference room at the bank. The teller was on her way in, as soon as she finished help the bank get through the morning rush. Grissom was not sure why he wanted to talk to the teller. Brass and the other detectives likely asked all the questions Grissom would ask, but somehow he needed to see for himself.

A short blonde woman walked into the room. She was dressed in a skirt that ended just above her knees, and a white blouse that was tucked in. A fake smile was on her face as she took a seat across from Grissom.

"John told me you wanted to talk to me again."

John was now the acting manager of the bank, with the untimely death of Mark Howard.

Brass smiled, "I am detective Brass, and he is the criminalist working the Howards case, Gil Grissom".

"I already told the other detectives everything I knew."

Grissom put a fake smile on his face, "We understand. I just have a few more questions." Noticing that the woman was contemplating leaving the room Grissom added, "it won't take long and it really would help me with the case."

"Exactly what is a criminalist?"

"My team and I collect all of the evidence and process it."

"Oh. Why would you have questions?"

"Well it helps if I know a bit more about the Howards." Grissom lied, "I understand you knew Mrs Howard well?"

"Yes. Well we used to be good friends."

"It really would help if you just give me a few minutes." Grissom explained again.

"Ok."

"You told one of the detectives that Mrs Howard was having an affair with a neighbor." Grissom decided to go directly to the question that mattered, he was not sure how long he was going to keep the teller in the room. She was antsy and nervous and wanted out. If the crime had not occurred in the manner it did, he would have suspected her.

"Yes."

"How did you come by this information?"

"Augusta told me."

"Mrs Howard told you about it when?" Grissom asked.

"Well we used to be really good friends. She worked here right up until she married Mark. They were a happy couple, and he worshiped the ground she walked on. So much he bought her a bakery, it did not last long. She never really tried to make it work. Anyways, she did not worship him the same way. After the kids started to go to school and day care, she needed something else to fill her day. The neighbor was around and they started to fool around."

"And how did you find out?" Grissom asked again not stopping the woman from filling in details he had not asked for.

"She told me over lunch a few months ago."

"Do you think Mark Howard knew about it?" Brass asked.

"No. I doubt it. It would have devastated Mark."

"Can you think of anyone who would want the Howards dead?"

"No." The woman answered without thinking about the question. "They were a nice couple. I already answered these questions."

"I understand." Grissom said, "Just a few more."

He waited for her to indicate she was willing to continue and than inquired, "Can you think of any reason someone would torture Mrs Howard and the kids to get information out of Mark?"

"Is that what happened?" The teller asked her eyes darted around the room, as if she was terrified of something now.

"I cannot say." Grissom said knowing his question had scared her, Brass had perked up at her reaction to the question.

"No. I cannot think of anyone or anything he might know. He was just a bank manger."

"What does that include?" Grissom asked.

"I'm sorry." The woman replied confused.

"The job. What does a bank manager do?"

"Well he runs the bank. He was responsible for meeting targets for sales, making the business plan for the bank, bringing in the big investors, and really anything to do with our high end clients he always worked directly with them. He also always had the final say in loans."

"Well thank you for your time." Grissom said not knowing what else he would ask the woman at this stage.

"I hope you find the people who did this to Mark and Augusta. They were good people. Augusta was one of my best friends despite her extramarital affair, she was a good mother and a great woman."

"We will do our best." Brass said, "one more question sorry. Why did you say the people? Do you think more than one person did it?"

"Just a statement. I did not mean to indicate more than one person."

"Understandable. Well thank you for your time." Brass said waiting for the woman to leave the room before he turned to Grissom.

Brass looked at Grissom and he wanted to state the obvious, but he avoided it because seconds after the acting bank manager John came walking into the room.

"Do you need to talk to anyone else?"

"How well did you know Mark?" Brass asked taking over the questioning for now.

"He was my mentor. Recruited me out of business school to come work here."

"Can you think of any reason why someone would torture Mark?"

"No. My god is that what happened?" John asked faking shock.

"Yes." Brass said, "Tortured each one of his family before they moved onto him. Whatever it is that Mark knew, he did not speak."

"I hope you catch them and make them pay for what they did to Mark and his family." John said truly meaning what he was saying as far as Brass could tell.

"We will do our best." Brass replied.

* * *

It was past noon before Brass and Grissom finished at the bank, and than made a quick trip over to the Howards house to look around. It was 2 pm when Grissom finally walked into his house, Brass dropped him off and said he would send someone by to pick Grissom up for work that night. Brass had refused to take Grissom back to the lab to get his own car. He cited that the CSI was too exhausted to drive. It had been obvious, and Grissom did not fight Brass, as he realized he was exhausted.

Inside his house, Grissom turned the stereo on low. Despite being exhausted he knew sleep would not come right away. Instead he made toast and sat on his couch listening to Pink Floyd's song Breathe. By the time he got back from making his toast the song had already reached it's mid point.

**Breathe breathe in the air  
****Don't be afraid to care  
****Leave, don't leave me  
****Look around choose your own ground**

Grissom had always found this song soothing and haunting in the same manner. Somehow it relaxed him, the guitar, the melody, but the lyrics the lyrics haunted him. Reminded him of the life he had spent working, and blocking himself off from the world. Could Sara be the one to bring him back? Would he just hurt her again? Could he open up to her? He had already, some, more than most. That had to count for something, but would it ever be enough. Would she settle for him always keeping a piece of himself hidden, a piece of himself that would not be destroyed when everything went wrong between them.

**Long you live, high you fly  
****Smiles you'll give the tears you cry  
****All you touch and all you see  
****Is all your life will ever be  
****Run rabbit run  
****Dig that hole  
****Get the sun  
****When at last the work is done  
****Don't sit down  
****It's time to dig another one**

Finishing his toast he stretched out on the couch letting himself completely relax. He was not getting any younger. If he did not do something soon, he would die alone, unknown to the world. Few would truly miss him. That would not be too horrible, but somehow he still longed to be with someone. Didn't we all, at least not when we were lying to ourselves. Maybe he was better alone, that was the lie he told himself. He was safe alone. No one would get hurt, he would not hurt anyone else again. For everything he had done, he deserved to be alone.

However, those feelings briefly disappeared on the occasion that he allowed Sara near. She was a ray of hope, some sunshine in his life filled with darkness. He spent his entire adult life seeing the heinous things people do to each other. Yes he stay detached from those heinous acts, but knowing that a grandmother could cut the head off her grandchild because it would not stop crying, or seeing the bod of a woman beaten to death by her rapist, or any other heinous act, no matter how much you pushed it way, it changed you. It took a special person to do the job, but even than no one remained immune from it. Grissom knew that almost anyone was capable of murder, given the right circumstances. He was capable of murder, he may not have done the deed himself, but he contributed to it, pushed someone who he had claimed to love right over the edge. Yes he was a monster. Monsters did not deserve love.

It was those thoughts he took with him to sleep.

**Long you live, high you fly  
****Only if you ride the tide  
****Balanced on the biggest wave  
****Race towards an early grave**


End file.
